Monday, June 25, 2018

Where am I?

Do you ever think to yourself, how do they see me? Do they feel me? Actually hear me?

Where did I go? How well did I do? Can I do better? Is He Happy with me? He’s The Most Kind, & that’s what I’m counting on.


At the restaurant today, in the middle of the birthday wishing & giving, I felt so blurred out. I was so overwhelmed. What was I doing at my 25th? I was having you baby.

Where did the years go? Where did you go? Do you still see me? Or am I just a blurry memory?


I have so much to share. Feel too much. Too strongly continuously overwhelmed. I need a break. Meet me at brunch? not with a full plate.


You Hear me.
You See me.
You Know me.
You Made me.
You Give & Take.
I Turn to You.
Only You.

Thursday, June 21, 2018


Remember when we bought this pillow together baby? It misses you a lot & doesn’t believe that real life can be so harsh. It’s so glad and relieved that it’s a pillow & not real mama & baby bears.


It’s not always only mama & her baby. It’s Mama’s whole family too. Mama’s family loves you excessively princess! Everyone literally is a part of who you are young girl.

Attu is what you called Lulu when you started talking. خالتو supposedly.

You guys had this unique connection from day one. Siblings like & more. Something that I wasn’t to you. Your first bff.

She surprised me & flew in to see you when you were born & got you the cutest earrings you’ve ever had. I loved them so much on you. They broke. Time does that. Makes. Breaks. Mends.

I don’t know what this time away from us all is doing to you. All I do know is what it’s doing to US. It’s too painful. Attu is suffering a lot these days. Broke down a couple of times & wants me to fight harder, but I can’t baby. Can’t do more. Wallah I can’t. Just. Can’t.


Remember that night, first time ever, she let you sleep without brushing your teeth? Yup, that’s her! That’s what Attu is for.

She had you when I weaned you, & you didn’t feel nothing, ‘cuz she’s always got you. I’m sorry not to complete the two years, had to, you’ll understand when you grow up inshaAllah.

She was right there when you had your eyes surgery, & I was calming her down.

She’s always got you. She got you your first swimming suit, converse pair & hot shorts. She held you in the water for the first time. She gave you her own IPad, against my wish. Your first Ipad ever, & brought you that cute red case, reNember? So whenever you need one, just go to her ;)

She taught you your first full song.
Messed you up with ice cream.
She let your hair go crazy,
& carried you whenever I’d scream.

No one will be to you,
Like your precious Attu.
Do you still hide your ‘r’,
When you want your dreams to come true?

Tuesday, June 12, 2018


Your pyjamas are soaked in tears. They’re not your size anymore. You’re growing away from me. I ask kids how old they are; to imagine how big you’ve become. They answer it like any other boring question silly grownups ask, not knowing how much it means to me.

Long days & nights have turned into months. Months are turning into a year/years. Only He Knows when I’ll see you next.

You see I failed. Failed to fight our fight. I wasn’t raised a warrior, I’m just a mama duck. I can swim and walk on land, but not fight them wolves & mice. My quacks were never loud, nor was my pace quick enough.

They tell me get louder, fight harder, not knowing I can’t do it further. I had my share of noise; my heart can’t take this fracture.

I CAN NOT do any more, I lost in the battlefield. I wasn’t born to slaughter, nor did I learn how to make a shield.

I ask Him for you all the time,
While driving, stopping & following lines,
While walking between the isles,
I’m the crazy talking to herself mom.

Will the cutest duckling find her way home,
To her broken wounded mama, alone?
You & I are never alone,
He’s alway Got our backs & Hears our moans.

May your Eid be filled with joy & love,
No balloons without you, nothing yummy on our stove.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Finding me...

Where did I go? A question I ask myself much often. Am I doing good? Is this my best? What dreams do I need to chase now?

I find myself in the voice of my favorite reciters. In a real life painting. Old songs & crazy new ones unlike me. Perfumes & food. I try to hold on to those, but they don’t last.

My corner in my masjid is gone.
That level of transparency is down.
The clouds & rain have changed my painting.
The songs have come to an end.
The food doesn’t taste the same.
That perfume is outdated, asking for it is to offend.


I still look for comfortable shoes. A bit more comfortable ones though; now that my feet are a bit older. They’ve been carrying my weight, & extra weights of my own doing; but they’re always hard to get.

Sleeping with one eye open is my expertise. Freaking out with the smallest noise is what I’m doing best. Scared, pale, & grounded with my broken wings.

I’m gathering my strength in facing this calamity. It’s tough. “I can do it” is my new lipstick.

I never really had a collection of lipsticks & never really tried to look different. It’s always been me, but this me is curled up in the corner with new fears.


Oh Allah, You’re my Strength.
You’re my Light, for an everlasting length.

Monday, June 4, 2018

“My eyes are sleepy mommy...”

You used to say this when you’d fall asleep, after more than an hour of being in bed. You’d say it right before falling asleep. As if it’s a mistake to sleep.

How do you sleep now mommy? How are your nights like? Your dreams? Your fears? Wish I could’ve had anything left in my hands to do. Wish I could bring you back to my arms.

My eyes are hardly sleepy baby. Not feeding you with my own hands. Not filtering the air you breathe. Allah Is Always there baby. Always.

Don’t know where to hide my pain. My eyes tell on me. The lines on my face. The frozen tears. I’m losing my way.

Teta’s pain is bigger. Deeper.

They got me new perfumes mommy. Didn’t find you to open them for me like you always do (open my presents). Will you still know me with my different scent?

Yesterday we had a big iftaar gathering at your favorite uncle’s place (that you’ve never been to), & when some asked me about you, I said I don’t know. No answer to calls nor messages. No one found words to say. I held my tears. I’m strong for you mommy.

We talked about teddy bears. M said her hubby still holds on to his favorite childhood teddy bear, the one with the lost eye.

Her brother had to leave behind his big stuffed elephant when they immigrated to Canada years ago. 

N had to take her doll’s head only ‘cuz there wasn’t enough space in their bags.

We laughed through the night, each of us carrying pains and memories.

Too many faces & lots of noise. Meaningless noise. Wish I could breathe under water. Reduce the noise.

Wish I could make sense of it all, but I can’t.

Teta A is really sick, remember her? The one with the warm hands & squeezy hugs. Everyone is getting older. Weaker.

May Allah make it easy on us all!

Oh heart of my heart,
Love you from before the start...

I'm right here..

Saturday, July 6th, 2019. 12:10 pm The Angel of Death took my dear Granny's soul. To Allah we belong and to Him is our retur...