“My eyes are sleepy mommy...”

You used to say this when you’d fall asleep, after more than an hour of being in bed. You’d say it right before falling asleep. As if it’s a mistake to sleep.

How do you sleep now mommy? How are your nights like? Your dreams? Your fears? Wish I could’ve had anything left in my hands to do. Wish I could bring you back to my arms.

My eyes are hardly sleepy baby. Not feeding you with my own hands. Not filtering the air you breathe. Allah Is Always there baby. Always.

Don’t know where to hide my pain. My eyes tell on me. The lines on my face. The frozen tears. I’m losing my way.

Teta’s pain is bigger. Deeper.

They got me new perfumes mommy. Didn’t find you to open them for me like you always do (open my presents). Will you still know me with my different scent?

Yesterday we had a big iftaar gathering at your favorite uncle’s place (that you’ve never been to), & when some asked me about you, I said I don’t know. No answer to calls nor messages. No one found words to say. I held my tears. I’m strong for you mommy.

We talked about teddy bears. M said her hubby still holds on to his favorite childhood teddy bear, the one with the lost eye.

Her brother had to leave behind his big stuffed elephant when they immigrated to Canada years ago. 

N had to take her doll’s head only ‘cuz there wasn’t enough space in their bags.

We laughed through the night, each of us carrying pains and memories.

Too many faces & lots of noise. Meaningless noise. Wish I could breathe under water. Reduce the noise.

Wish I could make sense of it all, but I can’t.

Teta A is really sick, remember her? The one with the warm hands & squeezy hugs. Everyone is getting older. Weaker.

May Allah make it easy on us all!

Oh heart of my heart,

Love you from before the start...