Monday, May 6, 2019

h e a r t o f m y h e a r t

Happy birthday mommy <3

How much more can my heart bear.. It's been so heavy for a year & a half now. This lump in my throat never goes away.

You're eight mashaAllah. I wonder how your voice is like. Your smile. Your frown. How your skin feels like. How many new scars, seen & unseen. How many new words, good & bad. How many new feelings & thoughts.

I love this picture. Remember when we had to pull out your two first teeth at the dentist's? How scared you were.. I thought I'd always be there for you. With your hand & heart in mine, you'd have nothing to fear. Little did I know.

Ah, how you love your birth story.. How many times did you ask to hear it. I don't know how he can harm you this much baby, I don't know until when.. I'm writing this with a million tears & fears.

How many times did you need me. How many times did you dream of me. I'm so sorry Pateeteyayee.. I'm so very sorry cookie.

You came two weeks earlier than the due date. I heard that cat give birth, & took it as a sign.. Only a few hours later you took your first breath.

I'm sorry I gave birth to you in Egypt. I'm sorry I made that first wrong choice. I'm sorry you had to be with these monsters.

Another Ramadan. Another birthday. I'm sorry for not being there. God Knows what I'm going through. We're doing all we can to get you back, but the tide is so high.

May Allah Protect you Nony.. May Allah save you from all evil. You're such a tough cookie, I'm so proud of you darling.. Hold on mommy.. Hold on tight, inshaAllah it'll be alright. inshaAllah.

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