Battlefield.

Your pyjamas are soaked in tears. They’re not your size anymore. You’re growing away from me. I ask kids how old they are; to imagine how big you’ve become. They answer it like any other boring question silly grownups ask, not knowing how much it means to me.

Long days & nights have turned into months. Months are turning into a year/years. Only He Knows when I’ll see you next.

You see I failed. Failed to fight our fight. I wasn’t raised a warrior, I’m just a mama duck. I can swim and walk on land, but not fight them wolves & mice. My quacks were never loud, nor was my pace quick enough.

They tell me get louder, fight harder, not knowing I can’t do it further. I had my share of noise; my heart can’t take this fracture.

I CAN NOT do any more, I lost in the battlefield. I wasn’t born to slaughter, nor did I learn how to make a shield.

I ask Him for you all the time,

While driving, stopping & following lines,

While walking between the isles,

I’m the crazy talking to herself mom.

Will the cutest duckling find her way home,

To her broken wounded mama, alone?

You & I are never alone,

He’s alway Got our backs & Hears our moans.

May your Eid be filled with joy & love,

No balloons without you, nothing yummy on our stove.

“My eyes are sleepy mommy...”

You used to say this when you’d fall asleep, after more than an hour of being in bed. You’d say it right before falling asleep. As if it’s a mistake to sleep.

How do you sleep now mommy? How are your nights like? Your dreams? Your fears? Wish I could’ve had anything left in my hands to do. Wish I could bring you back to my arms.

My eyes are hardly sleepy baby. Not feeding you with my own hands. Not filtering the air you breathe. Allah Is Always there baby. Always.

Don’t know where to hide my pain. My eyes tell on me. The lines on my face. The frozen tears. I’m losing my way.

Teta’s pain is bigger. Deeper.

They got me new perfumes mommy. Didn’t find you to open them for me like you always do (open my presents). Will you still know me with my different scent?

Yesterday we had a big iftaar gathering at your favorite uncle’s place (that you’ve never been to), & when some asked me about you, I said I don’t know. No answer to calls nor messages. No one found words to say. I held my tears. I’m strong for you mommy.

We talked about teddy bears. M said her hubby still holds on to his favorite childhood teddy bear, the one with the lost eye.

Her brother had to leave behind his big stuffed elephant when they immigrated to Canada years ago. 

N had to take her doll’s head only ‘cuz there wasn’t enough space in their bags.

We laughed through the night, each of us carrying pains and memories.

Too many faces & lots of noise. Meaningless noise. Wish I could breathe under water. Reduce the noise.

Wish I could make sense of it all, but I can’t.

Teta A is really sick, remember her? The one with the warm hands & squeezy hugs. Everyone is getting older. Weaker.

May Allah make it easy on us all!

Oh heart of my heart,

Love you from before the start...

Something is missing...

Always.. There’s always something missing.. Whether in yesterday, today, or tomorrow...

...

Yesterday...

I remember at the beginning of that school year, when I promised to write in a perfect handwriting, & make my notes complete...

But

I

Never

Did

!

There was always an excuse..

Always a reason why.. A reason why I didn’t finish my homework, a reason why I didn’t do all I was excepted to do.. A reason why I didn’t do all I wanted to..

I tried to draw my margins straight, & beautify my layouts.. I remember always writing ‘In the Name Of Allah’ at the beginning of each chapter, wrote it with all my heart.. In my notebooks & my teaching boards.. I always believe He Is The Most Gracious Most Merciful..

Always welcomed new chapters, with excitement, but a little effort..

I believe in destiny.. I also believe in us! We are made by Him for a reason.. We’ll be judged as we’re in charge.. In charge of ourselves through our written destinies..

He Is Always Controlling the tide.. Makes it high for a reason & low for another.. How prepared are we?

Many things were incomplete yesterday.. Whether it’s because of one of us missing, or messing..

‘If only’ could be a killer.. A lot of ‘if only’s won’t help us, but rather pull us down.. Winners are those who trip, but decide to get up & try again.. Knowing your mistakes, fixing them if possible & learning from them is what moves you forward..

Young & wrong go hand in hand.. Wise ones are those who grow out of pain.. Who heal their own wounds.. Who rely on Him & only Him..

Yesterday witnessed my narrow mindedness.. My silly stubbornness..

I should not grieve, for a lot of grief will harm more than benefit..

I should not be in yesterday, as I’m here TODAY!

...

Today...

A lot of things are missing..

Care..

Love..

My baby.. My one and only princess..

Me.. I am missing me.. myself.. I’m not me.. Missing a million pieces.. But wait a second..

Isn’t this how it’s supposed to be? Isn’t all this temporary.. Just the engine’s roar before reaching our final abode?

Yes today carries a lot of yesterday’s pain, but if we don’t deal with it as ‘today’, we’ll be forever stuck in yesterday..

Today I am broken.. Today I have lost many battles.. Today I am weeping..

Today I’m here.. I should be here with whatever is left of me.. With all my strength & weakness put my face down & beg.. Beg The One and Only, Lord of The worlds..

Ya Allah!

...

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is not in our hands.. It is not...

We should work hard, while knowing we might leave any second.. While knowing we might not be here tomorrow.. While knowing that we own nothing.. Not even our own flesh and blood.. Absolutely nothing..

If I’ll be here tomorrow, I pray it comes in peace and with peace.. I don’t know what it has for me.. I don’t know if it’ll bring you back..

I pray it’ll bring a better me...

...

I’ll leave us with His Words, that tell us the whole story:

“Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children -  like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion.”

“Race toward forgiveness from your Lord and a Garden whose width is like the width of the heavens and earth, prepared for those who believed in Allah and His messengers. That is the bounty of Allah which He gives to whom He wills, and Allah is the possessor of great bounty.”

“No disaster strikes upon the earth or among yourselves except that it is in a register before We bring it into being -  indeed that, for Allah, is easy -“

“In order that you not despair over what has eluded you and not exult [in pride] over what He has given you. And Allah does not like everyone self-deluded and boastful -“

Qur’an 57: 20-23