I wish I could tell you...

So many things Mom.. Things I never liked.. Things that bothered me.. Things that hurt me.. Things that if I said; would break you down..

I wish I could tell you that I didn’t like taking those daily showers; every single day Mom! I wish I could tell you that sometimes you clipped one of my nails deeper than you were supposed to, and that it hurt, a lot!

I wish I could tell you that I hate sleeping early.. And that one or two bedtime stories were never enough.. I wish I had afternoon naps instead of not having any..

I wish I wasn’t forced to eat more than I wanted.. I wish I had noodles everyday, the unhealthy ones.. Wish I went out more than staying at home, and had you swim with me in a girls pool..

I wish I walked barefoot and let my hair loose, and watched uneducational videos.. I wish ate and messed up my face and clothes, and painted and didn’t worry about stains..

I wish I could have told you not to leave, and that I don’t care if you fainted again, but at least be with me.. Wish I told you that I didn’t want to go with him, and that he scares me and that he is not fun..

I wish I could tell you that I do cry and that I can’t stand hearing your voice because it makes my heart weep for you.. That I don’t want to talk to you, I simply want and need to be with you..

Remember how I told you at the end of every call “don’t cry Mom, call you tomorrow..”? It was to remind me too that if I cry, he won’t let us talk.. He’ll yell at me and say mean things about you..

I wish I could tell you that this stranger is expecting me to love her like you, and that grandma tells me that you don’t love me..

I wish I could tell you that they hate you and wish for me to hate you too..

I wish I could tell you that you driving me to school is way better than the bus, and that it hurt when you combed my hair, but not as much as it does when they do now..

I wish I could tell you that I was proud of you when you were teaching in my school and before it, the school next to mine.. I didn’t know what pride is and how to say it..

I wish I could tell you that I felt so safe, but I didn’t know what safety is until I felt unsafe..

I wish I could tell you that I feel unsafe and that I feel broken when I see other kids get picked up by their moms, and mine is on the other side of the globe..

I wish I could tell you that I feel that I’m turning fifteen in May and not only seven.. I wish I could tell you that I hate you and make you forget about me and I forget you too..

...

But I never did, and never will, because I love you Mama.. I love you more than you can imagine and I’m sorry.. I’m sorry for me and for you..

If I were a fox...

For a night, what would I do? Well well well...

To start with: I’d be so happy to be anything other than me; simply because then and only then I would be allowed to lay eyes on you baby...

Your teachers, classmates and birds are seeing you everyday, and I can’t.. A stranger you never met is taking my place in your life now.. Taking my place! Taking my place! While I’m alive!

...

I’d wake up all the birds and promise not to eat them and tell them my story..

I’d tell them how it all began and how I reached here.. How I reached nowhere!

I’m sure birds will listen, and won’t choose to sleep; knowing a mother is deprived of her own child!

And since foxes don’t usually move in packs, but only with their small families; I’ll choose to start my journey alone; as I’ve caused enough pain to them all :(

I’ll let the birds see for me which is the fastest way to reach you.. Despite the fact that I don’t know your exact address; birds will take me to you.. They’ll tweet their way...

My question is: As soon as I reach, and when you see me, will you know it’s me? Princess Merida knew her mom, remember? Remember baby? I didn’t want you to watch that movie, or watch anything that’d make you sad for even one second.. I never wanted you to hear or see anything harsh.. Never did I let you see people smoking or even let Giddo watch news in your presence..

I tried hard to protect you from everything, and now I don’t know anything about you! Six years and a half Allah blessed me with your lovely presence in my life, and for a reason you’re not with me now..

You’re not with me physically, but who told you you’re not in my life? Because you don’t answer my calls? No, that doesn’t mean you’re not in my life.. You’re in it from the moment I open my eyes, to the moment I close them.. Even in my nightmares and dreams.. Everywhere..

Not only in the pictures on our fridge, or my phone or locket near my heart.. You are in the lump in my throat & the beat of my heart and the tightness in my lungs..

You’re the pain in Teta’s eyes, and the extra wrinkle on her face.. You’re what everyone asks me when they see me, they don’t ask me how I’m doing, they ask me how you’re doing; because they know that you’re me..

You are me baby... You are me... No matter what they do.. How far you get.. Allah sent you milk through me.. He chose me to give birth to you.. No one can change that..

I’m glad Na’ima asked me what I’d do if I were a fox, because this seems to be the only way for me to see you tonight.. 

However, I can’t be a fox for a night, not even for a moment.. So I’ll sit here and think and sing “what does the fox say...”...

I was there when the wolves came...

Yes I was there.. Let me tell you about my life before they came...

I was younger, stronger, sunnier.. Fear was not so constant & pain was never this deep.. I never knew what lies were, nor did I see such real fake smiles..

I didn’t know that wolves lived between us, and wore masks and worked this hard on their hunting, and if not win; leave their marks.. I thought my skin will stay as smooth & my heart sheltered & ache-proof..

I never had to prove myself to anyone, nor did I have to justify my intentions.. I went when the light was green and stopped when it turned red.. I thought that’s what everyone does, except for wolves.. I thought they only break rules..

I didn’t know that wolves have very good acting skills.. I didn’t know they can respect rules and break them at the very same moment..

Yes I did hear and read The Little Girl and the Wolf story, but never knew I could be this naive! I never thought I wouldn’t be able to see clearly when I’m way older than the girl in the story..

I thought carrying the basket for your grandmother and only doing good were a good reason for you to never get harmed..

I believed I was too smart.. Too strong..

I

Was

Wrong

!!!

I saw the wolves! They came to me.. In their sheep’s clothing.. Hiding their claws and ears.. Hiding their hate and extreme fear..

Don’t be surprised, wolves come in packs as their fear is too strong.. They live in fear and can never live in peace with themselves.. They’re always living a war..

They don’t know anything about flowers and their colors.. Birds and their wings.. Clouds and their fluffiness.. They love thorns and dark bushes.. You can tell by their weak old leader how rotten their system is..

They tried approaching me.. One of them looked me in the eyes and smiled.. I smiled back! I never thought it was a wolf.. I never knew what it wanted to do..

I trusted it.. Believed everything it had to say.. I never had any doubts.. I never smelled the stinky lies.. I simply chose to believe what I was seeing..

You should never judge a book by its cover..

It’s claws went right into my flesh and the shock kept me still.. I froze and didn’t know how to scream for help.. I thought it was just a nightmare and as soon as I seek refuge in Allah from satan, it’ll disappear into thin air.. However, that wasn’t the case..

The rest of the pack was scared and didn’t join him; as they heard men looking for me.. They saw the lights coming from their torches and started running away.. And as soon as they told their friend, he ripped a piece of me with his sharp teeth and started running away..

I passed out.. I didn’t want to wake up.. I heard them call my name, but I couldn’t open my eyes.. Tears were running down my face.. I didn’t know if it was cold or hot.. Winter or summer.. I didn’t want to wake up to a different me..

...

All I do know, is that they found me..

Torn and broken.. But they found me..

The

wolf

kept

howling

alone

in

despair...

“The first time I saw you,

I knew...” and he paused.. He gasped for air & tried to contiue..

“I knew I’d be forever yours.. I knew if you’d bless me with your grace & be mine, I’d rule the world.. My world! Because then and only then, I’d be complete..”

She stood there speechless, not knowing what to say.. She looked down & saw his muddy boots & heard his heartbeats louder than hers..

Breaking the silence he said: “Will you hear me out? I only need a few minutes, please?”

She nodded with a faint smile..

“You were five and I was eight.. I didn’t know what love & those butterflies felt like, but I surely felt a tickle in my heart..

When you were a little girl, you were always the odd one out.. Whenever you entered a room, light would reach its corners.. Girls were looking up to you with a little bit of jealousy sometimes, jealousy that you never noticed.. No one was ever as dazzling as you..

You are always exceptional in all your ways.. From the way you smiled to the way you cried.. You were the only girl to reach them tree branches when swinging on our old wooden swing, remember? Nothing was ever too high for you to reach..

When I cried over my puppy you said: “I’ll be your puppy” & followed me for two days.. You  magically made it easier & managed as always to put a smile on my face!

Growing older did nothing but add beauty to your beauty.. Beauty that no words would define..

Remember that day you saw me in the hospital with a broken rib? It wasn’t a silly fight like they told you, it was me showing that knight wannabe that you were only mine.. He wanted to come and propose to you that evening.. He wanted to have you.. Be your man.. No one else can be your man!

No one will love you like I do.. My broken rib didn’t hurt as much as knowing anyone else can have you other than me.. The thought of it drives me crazy..

Your tenderness & care,

your love for all with no despair..

See the poet that you brought out of me?”

She managed to answer softly: “I need to go, I can’t be late..”

“Only a few moments please.. Please..

You see, the sky, the trees & these very streets witnessed your love grow in my heart & have waited for this moment to come, so give them a chance to be happy, will you? Don’t let them laugh at me :)

Not only are you a special princess, you are the daughter of the two greatest parents anyone could have.. They knew how to raise you to become the most phenomenal young lady anyone would die to have..

You see I don’t have much to offer you.. I can’t buy you the house or the ride that you deserve.. I can only be your home.. Home of peace & light..

All I have is a loving heart that has been yours, long before I even knew.. I promise to protect you from any harm, to guard you with all that I have.. All that I am..

Make me whole!”

That perfect weekend...

“Mommy Mommy, wake up wake up; Daddy is almost done!”

She woke up to those sweet words coming from her eldest son Omar.. As soon as she opened her eyes, Omar said “I’ve put food for kitty too Mama, & scooped out her wastes, happy?”.. “Come here” she said, & gave him a big hug.. Happily he went back downstairs..

She got up for a quick shower & put on his favorite dress, earings, lipstick & perfume.. On the stairs she smelled his yummy pancakes & heard her little princess Saky chopping strawberries..

“Good morning love” the love of her life said, & kissed her hand & asked if it felt better.. She said yes as Saky jumped & stained her dress with her pink strawberry flavored little fingers.. “I’m helping Daddy Mommy” she said with a huge smile on her face :D

She set the table & they had their favorite weekend breakfast & quickly Omar asked: “Are we going to get the kids presents now?”, “Yes”  Hassan (his dad) said..

After finishing breakfast, they went for their morning routine, reciting Holy Verses & discussing their weekend’s plan.. “Let’s get ready kids”..

After getting dressed, they got in the car, buckled up, & headed to the gifts shop, while listening to their favorite songs as loud as they liked.. They bought 20 presents & wrapped them, 13 with pink wrapping paper & 7 with blue..

As they reached the hospital, they started visiting one kid after the other, succeeding in making some feel better.. It’s their weekend ritual to visit hospitals or orphanages.. 

“Are we going to barbecue or bake tonight?” Omar asked, “barbecue! how did you forget so fast?” Saky fussed..

Later that afternoon, the cars started parking in their driveway & it was a full house.. Grandparents, uncles, aunts & cousins all over the place..

Kids’ laughter & games filled their garden; as grownups were discussing world issues & possible ways of fixing them..

Food was delicious as always & desserts were everywhere.. As soon as the last car took off, Saky was yawning & everyone was getting ready for bedtime.. As she read them their bedtime story, they were fast asleep.. She tucked them in & softly kissed them goodnight..

Hassan whispered in her ears as the night got darker, & reminded her of how beautiful she always is & how thankful he is for having her.. In his arms he took her & told her that he wouldn’t have wanted his life any other way..

He said:

You’re my heart, for our kids you gave life..

You’re my love, oh my darling wife,

May we grow old & together strive,

To nourish our hearts & never be apart,

And contain & confine no matter how hard..

He promised:

To protect her & not let her tears down,

If they fall he’ll dry them & gently be her sun..

He’ll get her back & never step back,

And stand tall & his love will never lack..

Goodnight, sleep tight,

Your nightmares I shall fight..