That perfect weekend...

“Mommy Mommy, wake up wake up; Daddy is almost done!”

She woke up to those sweet words coming from her eldest son Omar.. As soon as she opened her eyes, Omar said “I’ve put food for kitty too Mama, & scooped out her wastes, happy?”.. “Come here” she said, & gave him a big hug.. Happily he went back downstairs..

She got up for a quick shower & put on his favorite dress, earings, lipstick & perfume.. On the stairs she smelled his yummy pancakes & heard her little princess Saky chopping strawberries..

“Good morning love” the love of her life said, & kissed her hand & asked if it felt better.. She said yes as Saky jumped & stained her dress with her pink strawberry flavored little fingers.. “I’m helping Daddy Mommy” she said with a huge smile on her face :D

She set the table & they had their favorite weekend breakfast & quickly Omar asked: “Are we going to get the kids presents now?”, “Yes”  Hassan (his dad) said..

After finishing breakfast, they went for their morning routine, reciting Holy Verses & discussing their weekend’s plan.. “Let’s get ready kids”..

After getting dressed, they got in the car, buckled up, & headed to the gifts shop, while listening to their favorite songs as loud as they liked.. They bought 20 presents & wrapped them, 13 with pink wrapping paper & 7 with blue..

As they reached the hospital, they started visiting one kid after the other, succeeding in making some feel better.. It’s their weekend ritual to visit hospitals or orphanages.. 

“Are we going to barbecue or bake tonight?” Omar asked, “barbecue! how did you forget so fast?” Saky fussed..

Later that afternoon, the cars started parking in their driveway & it was a full house.. Grandparents, uncles, aunts & cousins all over the place..

Kids’ laughter & games filled their garden; as grownups were discussing world issues & possible ways of fixing them..

Food was delicious as always & desserts were everywhere.. As soon as the last car took off, Saky was yawning & everyone was getting ready for bedtime.. As she read them their bedtime story, they were fast asleep.. She tucked them in & softly kissed them goodnight..

Hassan whispered in her ears as the night got darker, & reminded her of how beautiful she always is & how thankful he is for having her.. In his arms he took her & told her that he wouldn’t have wanted his life any other way..

He said:

You’re my heart, for our kids you gave life..

You’re my love, oh my darling wife,

May we grow old & together strive,

To nourish our hearts & never be apart,

And contain & confine no matter how hard..

He promised:

To protect her & not let her tears down,

If they fall he’ll dry them & gently be her sun..

He’ll get her back & never step back,

And stand tall & his love will never lack..

Goodnight, sleep tight,

Your nightmares I shall fight..

My sweet sixteen ;)

Dear sweet sixteen self,

Believe it or not, I’m the latest version of you! A few extra pounds, freckles, wrinkles & another 16 years!

I want to start by thanking you & telling you how proud I am of you. You were a beautiful young energetic naturally sweet princess :) Your anklets, orange bag & kiddish lipglosses never added to your beauty; your beauty came from within you..

I want to thank you for so many things..

For wearing the proper attire no matter where you went & despite being the odd one out..

For keeping your instinctive modesty & never trying to fit in.. For working hard on protecting your loving heart from stains.. For loving God’s house & growing from there..

For hanging out with the right crowd & trying hard to make the world ‘a better place’..

For continuously inspiring & being inspired..

For listening to the right songs that painted your very own unique gallery, & caring so much to share it.. With everyone!

For loving the others, no matter where they came from & how different they were..

For being honest & true to yourself before others..

*sighs*

Did you make mistakes you ask? Of course..

You didn’t study hard now, did you? You could have done better.. Worked harder..

You should have continued your French learning, you’re good with languages :(

You were too strict, with yourself & others.. A bit judging & expecting much.. Much more than you should..

Too caring...

Remember how you loved kids so much, & thought you’ll never have any.. Well, one came from within you.. You didn’t see that coming, I know..

Wait, I’ll answer all your questions, you need to breathe & take it one breath at a time, remember?

Well no, you didn’t get a horse as your dowry, nor did a Prince Charming sweep you off your feet.. I told you, you were too strict in your thinking & a bit judging..

You see, you thought a spiritual person is one who grew a beard & knew how to recite God’s words.. It’s not like that sweetheart!

You were a bit too sheltered & bubble-wrapped & knew nothing about the real world..

Rejecting proposals for narrow-minded reasons.. And insisting on your opinion, & only yours..

Don’t be sad please, I’m not here to make you feel sad.. We are always trying hard in making the right choices in the path that was chosen for us by Him.. We’ll always trip along the way.. We just need to dust of the dirt & keep going :’)

You guessed right, a girl.. A beautiful little princess whom everybody loves dearly.. 

She’s far away from me, in a far-away land; ‘cuz life ain’t perfect.. Remember those Indian books you read & movies you watched? You are one of their characters..

I’m sorry to have failed you.. I’m sorry for the tears & heartbreak..

Hey, your palms are still sweaty.. It went less for a while, but came back..

Oh & being a hygiene freak? You still are I’m afraid!

No kite-surfing nor sky-diving yet.. However, I jet skied & it was better than you always expected..

I owe you an apology.. A huge one..

I

Am

Sorry!

But I promise to work harder in not souring the sweetness that’s left off you..

With love,

Your bittersweet self

Weekends :)

I was looking through my empty 2018 planner today & found all these holidays, that ‘they’ chose for us to have as ‘holidays’.. Doesn’t the word holiday/weekend make you smile?

Being off; not a cool thing to be though.. As a morning person, I always enjoy the sun & day time, & never liked sleeping in to a late hour..

Weekends changed a lot over time.. From when they take place, all the way to how they take place.. Let’s go back to the early beginning.. When there was bliss, goodness & ‘barakah’ in our weekends..

Many years ago, our weekends took place on Thursdays & Fridays.. Then it was Fridays & Saturdays.. And now Satudays & Sundays, AND not for everyone.. Different shifts & what not.. It takes us a long time to plan get togethers, outings or board nights now..

Tonight I’ll take you & I back to our good old days.. Or weekends if I should say :)

Wednesdays

Wednesdays were the beginning of our family fun.. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always enjoyed weekdays.. I loved going to school & being the fun tall ‘fasolia’ that I was.. I had a crush on Tuesdays for some reason.. I don’t know whether it’s the T in the beginning or the P.E. classes that always took place then :)

I never had enough of my grade level friends, but  made friends with older girls as well.. Nothing realy stopped me.. Not my hijab when I was the only one wearing it, nor my frequent change of schools..

Wednesday was when Daddy would pick us up from school & take us to meet Mom (after she’s done with work) at KFC usually (where mostly Egyptians/Filipinos worked).. ‘All you can eat’ & weekend fun begins :D

Thursdays

Fish, shrimp & crabs day.. Ah fish market! Absolute pleasure when going with Daddy sometimes.. I love the fresh fish market smell, too weird, eh? I used to feel bad seeing them fresh fish die slowly on the ice cubes; they had to freeze to death to stay fresh for us big monsters :$ My uncles would pig out with us & huge piles of shrimp shells would accumulate on our big dining table :)

Thursday night is usually ice skating or family club night :D I never had enough of ice skating.. I’d wait for the zambony to finish after my first round & get going again and again.. The last one to leave the rink was always me.. I remember when I cut my brother’s thumb with my ice skate :’( It took time to stop bleeding.. He carries that scar today.. We were always skating together.. But I was better in going backwards, right bro? ;P

Growing older, it was more comfortable going ice skating on ladies nights.. Yes we had that luxury in Abu Dhabi! Ladies time/place for everything.. We had a whole Ladies Club, where we’d walk from the swimming pool to the gym/spa under the sky with the sunlight touching our bare skin & our hair out enjoying the gulf’s humid salty breeze.. A whole private ladies beach <3

If it’s not an ice skating night, it’d be the family club night where all the courts & parks would be.. I remember hurting my finger while playing basketball, & slowly giving up on that sport.. I remember Daddy playing ping pong & always winning.. I was always proud Baba :)

The pizzeria there, yummy! Basic pizzas, but always perfect after a long play time..

Fridays

Beach / Bbq / Dubai

Jum’a day.. Long blessed day.. Friday prayers & the strong ‘bukhoor’ in the house.. On their way back home from prayers, Daddy & my brothers would get us snacks (chips/sweets).. And never forgot butter milk for me :)

They’d come home to a different place, Mama as usual would have turned everything upside down, or even more; swapped rooms! Just for the sake of a ‘healthy change’.. :)

We’d then get together, with my grandparents (both maternal & paternal Grandma) & read The Cave Chapter from The Holy Qur’an.. Then Baba would explain & discuss with us verses from the Qur’an or Prophet’s sayings (pbuh)..

If it’s a beach day, it’d mean sun & salt.. Mix them together, & that would be that.. Baba singing the sea fisherman’s song.. If I could turn back time.. If only..

If it’s a bbq day, then I’d like to introduce to you the best bbq hero ever: Baba :D

Mama’s yummy marinated beef/chicken..

Our bicycles in the park..

What else woul one want?

Well, if you’d ask me: no grass please! I had a problem with grass :$ I’m not sure if it’s the insects phobia I have or something else..

If it’s a Dubai Friday, it usually starts from Thursday night.. Rarely was it only a Friday in Dubai back then.. Thursday evening, we’d pack our stuff (& I’d pack my million things), and off to my Uncle’s place.. A fun sleep over with lots of other relatives living in the same building & lots & lots of kids :D

Picnics & malls.. And many tears I always shed for going back home..

Those were our weekends.. Those were the days.. Where we’d all get together.. Laugh together.. Lay back together.. Those were the days..

Please do enjoy your weekends to their fullest, & take whatever is left of beauty in your life & share it with your special ones :)

I remember...

Giddo, my maternal Grandfather.. Abdul Munim is his name.. The best man I’ve ever met!

No words will ever describe how he was; none will do him justice, but I’ll try..

I remember very well how kind, gentle, giving & cheerful he was.. He’d smile all the time & sing happy songs.. He’d make up songs for us & hum along..

I remember him being around when growing up, wether he’d come to us in Abu Dhabi, a city he really liked, or us visiting him in the summertime.. He is a huge part of me & I of him.. I’m his first grandchild.. Having his blood is my honor & pride :)

I remember how he’d hold my hand so tight whenever we’d go out for a picnic or a ride.. He called me “princessa” & “sanioora” & would always make me feel like one..

I remember that summer at the beach, when I was around 10 or 11, a friend invited me to her birthday party, & Giddo wouldn’t let me go alone.. “Giddo, it’s ok, Daddy said I can go, it’s just around the corner on the beach.” He came along with me & spent the whole time keeping a very close eye on me.. And it never felt bad, I somehow felt special everytime he was there watching out for me :)

I remember his napkin, cologne & cleanliness.. I remember how he’d let me play with his shaving brush as carelessly as I wanted.. I’d soak it in soapy foam and stroke & paint his face so fearlessly..

I remember how every time before he would use the bathroom, he’d say “the bathroom is available now, any one needs to go?”.. He was just caring like that, even though there were three bathrooms in the house!

I remember his love for meat & fruits.. He’d call me to join him in the kitchen after lunch, behind Grandma’s back, not having the patience to wait for her to chop it.. He’d slice melon & pig out with me as much as we wanted to.. Melon juice drops would roll down his arm & wet his dry elbows.. We were the happiest people in the world ;)

I remember how he’d peel every bean in our Egyptian beans dish (foool).. And how he’d enjoy his red Egyptian tea glass so much, that I’d sometimes be jealous of it.. Yes glass, he wouldn’t like to have it in mugs.. Glass, where his eyes & soul can enjoy before his mouth :)

I remember how he’d always stop the cotton candy and cactus fruit (roaming around) sellers & get us wether we wanted or not.. Get us a lot!

I remember him taking me to the market nearby on his shoulders & would never let me down until I say so.. he’d buy me & my siblings whatever we wished for, before even saying it! He won’t take us home until we’d had enough.. 

I remember him taking us to the park & would never say ‘enough’ or ‘stop’.. He’d watch us on the trampoline all through the evening, never looking away.. Looking at his happy face would give me more courage to jump higher & make more flips in the air.. He’d always be impressed & let me know that I’m amazing!

I remember how kind he was to the maintenance workers & security guards.. How he’d offer them food & drinks & laugh along with them, when even not having any language in common..

I remember how he’d put his hand on his chest as a way of thanking, greeting or just putting his heart out for you :) I guess Ertugrul & his gang stole it from him ;)

I rememeber how he always cared so much about our nanny’s well-being.. He’d offer her a good Christian friend from back home if she wanted to..

I remember how he hated waking anyone up from sleep, & how he considered it as a holy state :)

I remember the first marriage proposals & how crazy he’d go not believing any one is ever good enough for his princess :D

I remember how he fell sick & had an open heart surgery.. He was in so much pain, but would trust whatever I say.. How there was water in his lungs & how weak his heart got.. I am a huge believer that it was a very overused heart.. He loved & cared way too much, about so many people..

I remember how we discovered his melanoma.. How it started from his toe & how slowly it was eating his skin up & finding its way to his inner organs..

I still can’t get over his death.. Whenever I meet a new person, I can’t introduce the real me to them, with a huge part of it missing today..

I told Z a alot about him.. Hope she doesn’t foget Giddo Men’im..

You are my hero Giddo.. You are my favorite story.. You are my favorite memory..

Allah yerhamak habeeby!

Yours,

Essanioora

"كل حاجه ناقصه حاجه و إنت مش جنبي حبيبي"

~شرين~

My spring..

Weather is dancing around zero degrees & the ice is slowly melting.. The sun is finding its way on our skin & into our hearts; trying to heal our old cold scars.. Spring is right around the corner :)

Can’t wait for the squirrels to come back chasing after each other.. Can’t wait for my princess to come back into my arms.. Oh Allah please Bring me back my spring, my flower, my baby.. Don’t let me miss her bloom! Please!

You just told me today that your stepmom is finding it hard to brush your beautiful long hair; & that she’ll take you for a hair cut.. How hard it is for me to hear that.. You won’t even imagine.. I remember how I held on to your baby hair that was turning light brown with the days & taking you for your first trim.. Oh God..

I’m not the one washing your hair now.. Not brushing it.. I’m not the one taking you to school.. Nor am I the one putting on your school uniform for you..

I carried you for years every single night to pee, even when you didn’t ask to, just to make sure you sleep better & not have an accident.. Carried you to not let you wake up.. Are they doing that? Are you sleeping well? Do you still smile in your sleep? Do you try to reach out for me to hug in the middle of the night?

I miss how I used to give you my face & you’d kiss it while asleep! I miss you baby so much.. It’s hard..

I sometimes don’t wish to hear your voice at all.. I don’t want to see your pictures.. I WANT YOU MOMMY.. YOU!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOj8sk9L-CM

Twitter :)

Is my other blog, please don’t be sad bloggie, I love you 💞

23 kg x 2

Today you told me on the phone that it’s memories not Nemories, like you used to say.. It’s remember not reNember.. Something not soNething.. “rigl” not “ligl” (leg/foot).. You also said that a new tooth is coming out where we pulled out the old one TOGETHER..

You started talking differently, using slang Egyptian terms I never heard of.. You’re changing & I’m not there to watch or lead.. Totally out of my hands..

You’re building new nemories & maybe forgetting old ones!

How far of nemories can we renember? Do you think I’ll be a nemory in my baby’s heart? When will she ever come to me? Will I live through this? Can nemories be wiped?

Growing up I travelled every year of my life.. Unstability is a huge part of who I am.. I love my blanket, creams, teddy & pillow.. They were always my home.. Never travelled without them.. Not even for a night or two.. Na ah, not me!

But I did, not totally.. Somehow!

Sticking to a certain weight for one’s baggage has always been a torture.. How can you fit so many things in two bags? I’m tired of travelling.. I don’t wish to see the world anymore..

I only want to be HOME with my family & baby growing up in front of me.. I want to kiss her all over, squish her, wash her & make sure she’s alright everywhere; a tranquil soul, a happy heart, a mindful mind, & a healthy body..

I love how she always tells me at the end of our monitored infrequent calls, “don’t cry Mommy!”.. I’m crying baby.. With & without tears.. It hurts a lot.. A LOT!

I don’t want to be this sad party pooper.. But today, it’s very difficult.. Maybe tomorrow :)

My heart goes out to all single parents out there whom have been deprived by distance/death of their babies.. May Allah grant us the patience & strength, amen..