Tomorrow?

I don’t know. But today, you’re not here, and that hurts!

Teta’s humming in the kitchen, as I’m writing these words. It ‘feels’ home that way. Are you feeling home? I’m sure not!

For the first time in the past six months they actually let you call me a real call. I don’t know why or how, but they did. For 24 whole minutes!

Are they starting to understand the truth of the matter? Are they getting close to admitting that your safest haven is with your mama? I don’t know...

You said that you’re starting to master swimming on your back & that you started sleeping on your own, without “night light”. You tried to convince me that you’re not scared, & that you’re doing great.

I know it’s hard, but I can’t change it.

I’m so sorry baby.

You said you’re still saving money to get me our dream big car. Baby, that means the world to me!

You said you’ll play a new half turkish song on our rides; that you’re sure I’ll like.

Baby ana <<33

You said you’re bigger, wear size 10, and your hair grew longer. MashaAllah habeebit mommy, I wish I can see that.

My eyes are dry now; not sure if you’ll know them.

You tried playing my game, and asked me if I wish to share any secrets with you. I only said that I wish to be with you.

I lied.

I didn’t tell you that Teta & I cry everyday.

Every.

Single.

Day. 

I didn’t tell you that Lulu broke down, literally broke down for you a few days ago...

I didn’t tell you that we’re moving, maybe close to a kids park.

I didn’t tell you that my heart wept at Ikea yesterday. I don’t know if we’ll go there together again, if you’ll play there & ask for ice cream. Again.

I didn’t tell you that at Payless Shoes I wanted to SCREAM and tell the world that I have a baby whom would have been wanting to check out shoes & ask me to buy ones for her with heels, & that I always manage to say ‘no; they’ll hurt your feet’... How I never let you off my sight, not even to hide behind the isles to play hide and seek.

I didn’t tell you that every time my phone rings, I freak out. It’s becoming scary.

I didn’t tell you that I have a million fears for you from your very self, let alone the rest of the world. Seen & unseen.

I didn’t tell you that I want to put my head on your chest & cry my heart out.

Baby, you always take care of me. You always tell me not to worry. You need to come back to me baby. You need to tell me it’ll be okay. Please.

Promise to let you comb my hair.

Tu’bury alby mommy......

Lallooo so so so muchy much!