Thursday, July 11, 2019

I'm right here..


Saturday, July 6th, 2019.
12:10 pm
The Angel of Death took my dear Granny's soul.
To Allah we belong and to Him is our return.

It was the first time for me to attend & witness the death of anyone, and she wasn't anyone, for those who knew her.

It was so peaceful. I was trembling, yet felt this peace and strength that got me through her passing from this life to the next. Allah Chose me to be with her and hold her hand through these very difficult months.

I feared this moment so much. I felt its nearness, and promised myself to be my very best self at it.

We're nothing but moments. From a moment to another, a million changes within our very selves and around us take place. A moment she was here, and the next she's---------- not.

I used to always tell her "I'm here", and she'd be calm for seconds after that. Her stares into my soul were scary most of the time. You'd see her pleas for comfort and nothing you could do that'd make her feel better. Her pains have been so severe, and she never knew why.

She died in her room. She was so still. No more screams. No more aches. No blood pressure, no pulse there. No more fever, no need for the catheter.

There was nothing scary at all. I stayed by her side until her grave. I kept reminding her of what she taught us: Allah is my Lord, Islam is my religion, & Muhammad (pbuh) is our beloved Prophet.

I don't know where I'll be buried, and who'll bury me. I hope I'd smell good, bad deeds do smell.

Losing two grandparents to cancer has been tough. My only comfort comes in the reward, may Allah reward us all for every pain, big or small.

Her soaps remain. Her perfumes and colognes. Her clothes, & chairs.

She's the special dressing on the salad that no one could make. She's the breeze of clean laundry. She's the one who wouldn't ever ask anyone other than The One and Only, Lord of the worlds.

She's always had everything, every herb, every fruit. She's always been home.

Washing her body was like washing mine, lots of similarity there. We have a lot in common, or so I hope.

May Allah Forgive her and us all for every wrong & bless us with His Mercy now and forever.

May Allah Reunite us in the gardens of Paradise.

Monday, May 6, 2019

h e a r t o f m y h e a r t

Happy birthday mommy <3

How much more can my heart bear.. It's been so heavy for a year & a half now. This lump in my throat never goes away.

You're eight mashaAllah. I wonder how your voice is like. Your smile. Your frown. How your skin feels like. How many new scars, seen & unseen. How many new words, good & bad. How many new feelings & thoughts.

I love this picture. Remember when we had to pull out your two first teeth at the dentist's? How scared you were.. I thought I'd always be there for you. With your hand & heart in mine, you'd have nothing to fear. Little did I know.

Ah, how you love your birth story.. How many times did you ask to hear it. I don't know how he can harm you this much baby, I don't know until when.. I'm writing this with a million tears & fears.

How many times did you need me. How many times did you dream of me. I'm so sorry Pateeteyayee.. I'm so very sorry cookie.

You came two weeks earlier than the due date. I heard that cat give birth, & took it as a sign.. Only a few hours later you took your first breath.

I'm sorry I gave birth to you in Egypt. I'm sorry I made that first wrong choice. I'm sorry you had to be with these monsters.

Another Ramadan. Another birthday. I'm sorry for not being there. God Knows what I'm going through. We're doing all we can to get you back, but the tide is so high.

May Allah Protect you Nony.. May Allah save you from all evil. You're such a tough cookie, I'm so proud of you darling.. Hold on mommy.. Hold on tight, inshaAllah it'll be alright. inshaAllah.

Saturday, April 6, 2019

33


Ah Pateety, they all asked me about you yesterday at the wedding. Did you remember my birthday? I hope you didn’t, nor feel sad, & fear doesn’t dare touch your door..

You know, Allah sent me my cousins to soften these rough days. If only you were here, you’d have been running around in the gardens with them yesterday. When are you coming back baby?

...........

Where did the days go! I feel old!

Age of the people of paradise.
I’m barely close, living by Allah’s Mercy.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t imagine to be where I am today.

Divorced. Twice. From the same monster who harmed his own daughter before harming me. How did I ever get deluded with a beard!
So naive!
Forced to live now in a third world country; to seek unborn justice.
Can’t hear my daughter’s voice, let alone see her.
Scared of everything. Every. Single. Thing.

Wait. Don’t think I’m ungrateful.
I’m so grateful to the farthest extent.
Can’t begin with my endless list..

........

This picture is a perfect explanation of my current situation! Right from my birthday yesterday :)

Sorry for not introducing you:

Meet Amoona!

I can’t believe how big she’s become!
She’s my cousin, but I’ve always felt that she’s my first babygirl. I was 18 when she was born. I remember only yesterday I was buying her tutus and putting her to sleep in my arms..

Her first day of nursery & first girlie secret.
Her fights with her siblings & anger towards her parents.
God how I love her. I literally feel like crying everytime I look at her. I want to protect her from the world & keep her in my heart.

She’s a young lady now, just turned 15 five days ago, but more sophisticated than you can imagine!

I remember when I had Z, I told her I wish she’d grow to be like you, & she said “ask Allah”... She KNOWS how loved she is, & that should be enough, shouldn’t it?

..............

Can I take you back to the wedding?

So yesterday, I met a teacher I’ve worked with years ago. She told me “you can never judge anyone” and that “people have become horrible”, & those were her excuses for sinning. Big sins!

I really couldn’t say much & asked Allah to Protect her & me.

Why has everyone become so enslaved by their whims? People do really bad things nowadays, that I can’t even share here, but sure you’ve come across some in your life.

Is it better if we lock ourselves up? Nope!
Get so involved? No!
Become heartless? Nope!
Give all we can? Sometimes!

Why sometimes ? Cuz that’s what I wish to be doing from now on.. caring too much backfires on me all the time!

May Allah Protect us all!

.......

I still wish I was a carefree bird. Somewhere in a far off island, where humans don’t exist.
People harm more than benefit.

Right now, just trying to keep my head above water!

Friday, January 11, 2019

His Light..



"Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The example of His light is like a niche within which is a lamp, the lamp is within glass, the glass as if it were a pearly [white] star lit from [the oil of] a blessed olive tree, neither of the east nor of the west, whose oil would almost glow even if untouched by fire. Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He wills. And Allah presents examples for the people, and Allah is Knowing of all things."
~Quran~
It's always dark away from Him. Intentionally forgetting or forsaking, are the worst. He's always Near. Closer than veins. 

Through these dark times I live, I am so thankful, for so many things, can't even begin. I'm thankful for that 11 y/old girl smiling at me in the mosque today. The prettiest smile. Leaning on me through the sermon and at times playing with the strings from my rug.. She even fiddled with my skirt.. I wanted to tell her about you.. I want to tell them all, but no one will ever understand.. Will I live to see you this tall baby? Ya Rab!

Can you believe it Pateety? Your own dad forbidding you from reaching me. May Allah Protect your little heart mommy.. May Allah bring you back to me safe and sound!

Yes, I'm going to courts for you honey bunboony.. He asked for it! Never thought I'd take this route, but life could sometimes be beyond any expectation. My advice? Never trust too much baby, never!

I lost my peace of mind, my serenity.. I lost me. Just like a flower, waiting to bloom.. I'm still me though, just need a big hug from you heart of heart, and I'll be alright..

Remember Sheikh Jaber? AlHamdulillah he's still alive and free, with a lot of restrictions though, may Allah Keep him safe. He said today that he was raised with his seven siblings without a dad, and turned out to be Sheikh Jaber. He said Allah Takes care of little ones. And old too.. I know angels are watching you.. And me..

I stopped in front of Grandma S's house, it was sad, so sad. Her voice left the place, it's so empty. Dark and still. No more poems, nor stories of her charming prince and past. She's become past..

I don't have a charming prince to tell you about, but I if I live long enough, I'll tell you about my dream of him.. The one I never met..

Will I ever be missed? Do I need to be missed? I don't think so, I just pray you'd be a road for me to heaven pumpkin..

I miss you beyond words, beyond thoughts, beyond dreams, beyond it all..

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Dream a little dream of me...



“Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me
Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me
Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I'm longing to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this
Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me”

Fabian Andre / Gus Kahn / Wilbur Schwandt ~

Monday, June 25, 2018

Where am I?



Do you ever think to yourself, how do they see me? Do they feel me? Actually hear me?

Where did I go? How well did I do? Can I do better? Is He Happy with me? He’s The Most Kind, & that’s what I’m counting on.

...

At the restaurant today, in the middle of the birthday wishing & giving, I felt so blurred out. I was so overwhelmed. What was I doing at my 25th? I was having you baby.

Where did the years go? Where did you go? Do you still see me? Or am I just a blurry memory?

...

I have so much to share. Feel too much. Too strongly continuously overwhelmed. I need a break. Meet me at brunch? not with a full plate.

...

You Hear me.
You See me.
You Know me.
You Made me.
You Give & Take.
I Turn to You.
Only You.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Attu



Remember when we bought this pillow together baby? It misses you a lot & doesn’t believe that real life can be so harsh. It’s so glad and relieved that it’s a pillow & not real mama & baby bears.

...

It’s not always only mama & her baby. It’s Mama’s whole family too. Mama’s family loves you excessively princess! Everyone literally is a part of who you are young girl.

Attu is what you called Lulu when you started talking. خالتو supposedly.

You guys had this unique connection from day one. Siblings like & more. Something that I wasn’t to you. Your first bff.

She surprised me & flew in to see you when you were born & got you the cutest earrings you’ve ever had. I loved them so much on you. They broke. Time does that. Makes. Breaks. Mends.

I don’t know what this time away from us all is doing to you. All I do know is what it’s doing to US. It’s too painful. Attu is suffering a lot these days. Broke down a couple of times & wants me to fight harder, but I can’t baby. Can’t do more. Wallah I can’t. Just. Can’t.

...

Remember that night, first time ever, she let you sleep without brushing your teeth? Yup, that’s her! That’s what Attu is for.

She had you when I weaned you, & you didn’t feel nothing, ‘cuz she’s always got you. I’m sorry not to complete the two years, had to, you’ll understand when you grow up inshaAllah.

She was right there when you had your eyes surgery, & I was calming her down.

She’s always got you. She got you your first swimming suit, converse pair & hot shorts. She held you in the water for the first time. She gave you her own IPad, against my wish. Your first Ipad ever, & brought you that cute red case, reNember? So whenever you need one, just go to her ;)

She taught you your first full song.
Messed you up with ice cream.
She let your hair go crazy,
& carried you whenever I’d scream.

No one will be to you,
Like your precious Attu.
Do you still hide your ‘r’,
When you want your dreams to come true?

I'm right here..

Saturday, July 6th, 2019. 12:10 pm The Angel of Death took my dear Granny's soul. To Allah we belong and to Him is our retur...