Ana Moudou :)

My name is Mohamed. I was born on March 1st, 2022. Its been a tough ride. I had lots of pictures taken when I was in there. First they said I was in the wrong place. They were wrong. Then they said I'm going to be having certain disabilities. Again they were wrong.

Later on, one of the many pictures they took showed a hole in my heart. A small one they said, and they were again, wrong! It was a big hole. A "large VSD" they said, whatever that was.

They delivered me quickly and I was ok with it. Kept breathing and doing what I'm asked to do. Have that milk. Pass this, pass that. It's been hard- harder and harder each and everyday. Everything I do takes a toll on me.

Now they said I'm likely to have a heart failure in the upcoming few weeks, and that the surgery is not an option until I'm 3-5 months old.

I'm pushing hard for those who love me, and we need your prayers. Please keep me in them.

My kidneys and lungs can only take so much.

I'm giving my consent to my dearest Aunt Sara, who's been dying for me, to share this with you all.

I'll do my best, Auntie :)

Love and a smile,

Moudou :)

Floating in the abyss..

You must have missed me! Missed you too! It’s been quite a while that I’ve been floating in the abyss.. been very difficult couple of months filled with pain & lots of blessings. “With hardship comes ease”, and this is eternal..

Both my parents were diagnosed with cancer, & for mom this is her second round. Biopsy, malignancy, surgery, treatment… heavy words that shatter hearts..

Seeing a loved one get weaker is one of the toughest tests to go through.. being helpless is just devastating..

Waiting on results, fearing the worst, living the pain is harder when you’re alone.. playing the role of that tough cookie gets to you eventually..

I’m so worn out, just want to be numb for a while! I forgot me along those lines.. forgot how to breathe as the long nights passed me by..

“Your worry and that fear won’t help you nor them” I kept telling myself- but what can you do when they’re all you’ve got!

Frustrating year filled with worries and fears..

I miss being here so much.. miss being me.. miss being happy.. Mind you, I am very content and grateful, but happy? That comes always with guilt.. 

Looking forward to getting stronger, healing, sharing, and always counting my blessings…

How have you been? Really?

Hope you’re all safe and sound🙏🌸

Love,

Your broken winged bird

I'm right here..

Saturday, July 6th, 2019.

12:10 pm

The Angel of Death took my dear Granny's soul.

To Allah we belong and to Him is our return.

It was the first time for me to attend & witness the death of anyone, and she wasn't anyone, for those who knew her.

It was so peaceful. I was trembling, yet felt this peace and strength that got me through her passing from this life to the next. Allah Chose me to be with her and hold her hand through these very difficult months.

I feared this moment so much. I felt its nearness, and promised myself to be my very best self at it.

We're nothing but moments. From a moment to another, a million changes within our very selves and around us take place. A moment she was here, and the next she's---------- not.

I used to always tell her "I'm here", and she'd be calm for seconds after that. Her stares into my soul were scary most of the time. You'd see her pleas for comfort and nothing you could do that'd make her feel better. Her pains have been so severe, and she never knew why.

She died in her room. She was so still. No more screams. No more aches. No blood pressure, no pulse there. No more fever, no need for the catheter.

There was nothing scary at all. I stayed by her side until her grave. I kept reminding her of what she taught us: Allah is my Lord, Islam is my religion, & Muhammad (pbuh) is our beloved Prophet.

I don't know where I'll be buried, and who'll bury me. I hope I'd smell good, bad deeds do smell.

Losing two grandparents to cancer has been tough. My only comfort comes in the reward, may Allah reward us all for every pain, big or small.

Her soaps remain. Her perfumes and colognes. Her clothes, & chairs.

She's the special dressing on the salad that no one could make. She's the breeze of clean laundry. She's the one who wouldn't ever ask anyone other than The One and Only, Lord of the worlds.

She's always had everything, every herb, every fruit. She's always been home.

Washing her body was like washing mine, lots of similarity there. We have a lot in common, or so I hope.

May Allah Forgive her and us all for every wrong & bless us with His Mercy now and forever.

May Allah Reunite us in the gardens of Paradise.

h e a r t o f m y h e a r t

Happy birthday mommy <3

How much more can my heart bear.. It's been so heavy for a year & a half now. This lump in my throat never goes away.

You're eight mashaAllah. I wonder how your voice is like. Your smile. Your frown. How your skin feels like. How many new scars, seen & unseen. How many new words, good & bad. How many new feelings & thoughts.

I love this picture. Remember when we had to pull out your two first teeth at the dentist's? How scared you were.. I thought I'd always be there for you. With your hand & heart in mine, you'd have nothing to fear. Little did I know.

Ah, how you love your birth story.. How many times did you ask to hear it. I don't know how he can harm you this much baby, I don't know until when.. I'm writing this with a million tears & fears.

How many times did you need me. How many times did you dream of me. I'm so sorry Pateeteyayee.. I'm so very sorry cookie.

You came two weeks earlier than the due date. I heard that cat give birth, & took it as a sign.. Only a few hours later you took your first breath.

I'm sorry I gave birth to you in Egypt. I'm sorry I made that first wrong choice. I'm sorry you had to be with these monsters.

Another Ramadan. Another birthday. I'm sorry for not being there. God Knows what I'm going through. We're doing all we can to get you back, but the tide is so high.

May Allah Protect you Nony.. May Allah save you from all evil. You're such a tough cookie, I'm so proud of you darling.. Hold on mommy.. Hold on tight, inshaAllah it'll be alright. inshaAllah.

33

Ah Pateety, they all asked me about you yesterday at the wedding. Did you remember my birthday? I hope you didn’t, nor feel sad, & fear doesn’t dare touch your door..

You know, Allah sent me my cousins to soften these rough days. If only you were here, you’d have been running around in the gardens with them yesterday. When are you coming back baby?

...........

Where did the days go! I feel old!

Age of the people of paradise.

I’m barely close, living by Allah’s Mercy.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t imagine to be where I am today.

Divorced. Twice. From the same monster who harmed his own daughter before harming me. How did I ever get deluded with a beard!

So naive!

Forced to live now in a third world country; to seek unborn justice.

Can’t hear my daughter’s voice, let alone see her.

Scared of everything. Every. Single. Thing.

Wait. Don’t think I’m ungrateful.

I’m so grateful to the farthest extent.

Can’t begin with my endless list..

........

This picture is a perfect explanation of my current situation! Right from my birthday yesterday :)

Sorry for not introducing you:

Meet Amoona!

I can’t believe how big she’s become!

She’s my cousin, but I’ve always felt that she’s my first babygirl. I was 18 when she was born. I remember only yesterday I was buying her tutus and putting her to sleep in my arms..

Her first day of nursery & first girlie secret.

Her fights with her siblings & anger towards her parents.

God how I love her. I literally feel like crying everytime I look at her. I want to protect her from the world & keep her in my heart.

She’s a young lady now, just turned 15 five days ago, but more sophisticated than you can imagine!

I remember when I had Z, I told her I wish she’d grow to be like you, & she said “ask Allah”... She KNOWS how loved she is, & that should be enough, shouldn’t it?

..............

Can I take you back to the wedding?

So yesterday, I met a teacher I’ve worked with years ago. She told me “you can never judge anyone” and that “people have become horrible”, & those were her excuses for sinning. Big sins!

I really couldn’t say much & asked Allah to Protect her & me.

Why has everyone become so enslaved by their whims? People do really bad things nowadays, that I can’t even share here, but sure you’ve come across some in your life.

Is it better if we lock ourselves up? Nope!

Get so involved? No!

Become heartless? Nope!

Give all we can? Sometimes!

Why sometimes ? Cuz that’s what I wish to be doing from now on.. caring too much backfires on me all the time!

May Allah Protect us all!

.......

I still wish I was a carefree bird. Somewhere in a far off island, where humans don’t exist.

People harm more than benefit.

Right now, just trying to keep my head above water!

His Light..

"Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The example of His light is like a niche within which is a lamp, the lamp is within glass, the glass as if it were a pearly [white] star lit from [the oil of] a blessed olive tree, neither of the east nor of the west, whose oil would almost glow even if untouched by fire. Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He wills. And Allah presents examples for the people, and Allah is Knowing of all things."
~Quran~

It's always dark away from Him. Intentionally forgetting or forsaking, are the worst. He's always Near. Closer than veins. 

Through these dark times I live, I am so thankful, for so many things, can't even begin. I'm thankful for that 11 y/old girl smiling at me in the mosque today. The prettiest smile. Leaning on me through the sermon and at times playing with the strings from my rug.. She even fiddled with my skirt.. I wanted to tell her about you.. I want to tell them all, but no one will ever understand.. Will I live to see you this tall baby? Ya Rab!

Can you believe it Pateety? Your own dad forbidding you from reaching me. May Allah Protect your little heart mommy.. May Allah bring you back to me safe and sound!

Yes, I'm going to courts for you honey bunboony.. He asked for it! Never thought I'd take this route, but life could sometimes be beyond any expectation. My advice? Never trust too much baby, never!

I lost my peace of mind, my serenity.. I lost me. Just like a flower, waiting to bloom.. I'm still me though, just need a big hug from you heart of heart, and I'll be alright..

Remember Sheikh Jaber? AlHamdulillah he's still alive and free, with a lot of restrictions though, may Allah Keep him safe. He said today that he was raised with his seven siblings without a dad, and turned out to be Sheikh Jaber. He said Allah Takes care of little ones. And old too.. I know angels are watching you.. And me..

I stopped in front of Grandma S's house, it was sad, so sad. Her voice left the place, it's so empty. Dark and still. No more poems, nor stories of her charming prince and past. She's become past..

I don't have a charming prince to tell you about, but I if I live long enough, I'll tell you about my dream of him.. The one I never met..

Will I ever be missed? Do I need to be missed? I don't think so, I just pray you'd be a road for me to heaven pumpkin..

I miss you beyond words, beyond thoughts, beyond dreams, beyond it all..

Dream a little dream of me...

“Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I'm longing to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me”

~ Fabian Andre / Gus Kahn / Wilbur Schwandt ~