"We can't Mommy!"

This is what I see from my room's window.. Freezing water everywhere.. - 25 degrees so far, and it's only the beginning.. Believe it or not, ducks still swim in this pond.. And squirrels still run around.. Birds still fly.. And I am here.. With a broken heart.. And a frozen soul.. 

Just hung up with my baby.. And asked her for the millionth time if it's ok with her dad to let me see her on Skype.. And he said NO! Boldly NO! Just this hour that I can call her in for a few minutes everyday.. And he calls her in this hour to cut me off.. He put the teachers in trouble for sending me updates about her.. Or pictures.. 

Z just asked my mom to not bake cakes or pizzas or do any fun stuff they used to do together until she's back with us again.. Mama said she can't even "farrah" (make happy) the plants like she used to with you baby :'(

What are you trying to do you sick psycho? Instead of being in the hospital to treat your ill mind, you're taking my daughter from me and trying to make her hate me?! May Allah never forgive you for all you did for the past 8 years and a half.. May you never be happy and always carry the pain you caused my whole family with you to your grave.. You see it all ends someday, and The Lord of the worlds Will Make it all fair..

I'm sorry Mama for letting you go through this pain.. You see Z, Teta (Grandma) has become really sick since they took you on the 10th of November 2017.. Emotionally and physically.. Very sick.. Only you can help heal her pain Z.. May Allah bring you back to her arms before mine..

I'm sorry Mama.. We can't have her now.. Nor see her..

Sorry :(

Sleep!

I wish I was ever able to just sleep on the couch whenever I felt sleepy.. Sleep by accident.. Just close my eyelids and let go of my soul easily and smoothly.. I always had bed time rituals since I could ever remember..

Sorry Z for not letting you sleep on the couch easily; & having to put you through them rituals too..

Sleep has become very heavy on me nowadays.. And waking up scared & lost is even harder.. Seeing you in my dreams baby and not finding you in my arms every single time is torturing!

Wish I was a cat.. Or anything but human.. The load is heavy oh Allah, help me!

Teaching :)

I started teaching when I was 18. I've always loved teaching. Who knew that a teacher who loves kids would be deprived of her own flesh and blood! Life can be unexpected at times. Always loved Indian movies, but never thought my life would be one!

Z told me today that she "knows" that I love her and miss her so much, but do you really know baby? Do you really know? Do you know how it feels sleeping at night without you right next me. Do you know that I sometimes catch myself not breathing? Like literally holding my breath in! It's hard to breathe baby.. Like a sword is stuck in my chest.. Pain is non stop.. Not decreasing by the day.. On the contrary, getting deeper and sharper..

You also said that the nanny let you help her today with the chicken and all.. It really saddens my heart that your dad leaves you with the very people he hated so much! 

May Allah keep you warm inside out, until you come back to me, amen!

I'm sorry baby :(

I'm sorry baby.. Sorry for many things.. Many many things.. Here is a few of the many things.. I pray you understand someday..

Sorry for getting married to your dad..

Sorry for crying a lot with you inside of me..

Sorry for not giving birth to you in Canada..

Sorry for breastfeeding you all the time instead of scheduling your feeding..

Sorry for being upset every time you woke me up or wouldn't go to sleep..

Sorry for always clipping your nails and sometimes hurting you..

Sorry for not eating healthy when you were in me.. And for not insisting on feeding you healthy food..

Sorry for not finding out about your very weak eyesight sooner.. Nor finding out your need for eyes' surgery sooner..

Sorry for not reading you more often..

Sorry for washing everything you touched and being a hygiene freak all the time..

Sorry for not letting you eat with your hands..

Sorry for not letting you walk barefoot..

Sorry for not letting you play longer with water..

Sorry for carrying you more than you needed to be carried..

Sorry for frowning at you or showing you my anger..

Sorry for not smiling and playing with you more..

Sorry for being impatient with you..

Sorry for not baking and making a mess with you..

Sorry for not letting you put yourself the nail polish you wanted to put with your own hands..

Sorry for not letting you use the knife/scissors when you could have..

Sorry for not letting you wash yourself when you could have..

Sorry for directing you and giving you instructions like I always have..

Sorry for letting you listen to loud songs most of the time..

Sorry for not letting you memorise Allah's words more often..

Sorry for not taking you to swimming classes more often..

Sorry for accidentally cutting your goggles..

Sorry for not letting your hair loose most of the time..

Sorry for washing your hair more than I should have..

Sorry for not taking you to the park more often..

Sorry for not letting you hold the rail and not letting you hold any foreign objects..

Sorry for always sanitising your lovely hands..

Sorry for asking you to always sit properly every where.. 

Sorry for feeding you to avoid you messing up..

Sorry for not letting you prepare your own food with me, or at least pour water like you wanted to..

Sorry for caring way too much..

Sorry for saying no when I didn't need to..

Sorry for not practising more Arabic and Math with you..

Sorry for not being fun most of the time..

Sorry for always worrying about you..

Sorry for being sick and having to be in a country where your dad would't let you go to..

Sorry again and again for your dad being your dad..

Sorry for not being a great mom..

Sorry for everything I've ever harmed you with, it's always always unintentional..

I love you more than you can imagine and I'm sorry as much..

Uggy Muggy Baby (f)

Where Is Pluto?

Where is Pluto? Is it still a planet in our solar system?

Where is love? Is it still applicable in our solar system?

Animals don't deprive their baby animals from their mamas, but humans do! Animals hunt and kill to fulfil their basic hunger needs.. Humans kill to enjoy torturing others.. How sad!

I love Christmas lights.. Love the warmth in the midst of this snow storm.. Some people still have hope.. I'm one of them.. We still long for that inner peace; our long lost Sakeena.. When will we have it? Well, when we rest assured that there is A God, The One and Only, Who'll always Sustain and Contain our inner fears.. Oh Allah, Guide us, Save us, protect us.. Amen!

Where did our heroes go.. Who do we look up to now.. Where are the men who fought for justice.. When are the knights coming to save the day! Was there really Ertuğrul?

Staying Warm!

It's freezing down here.. Freezing! Below zero degrees.. Buying a jacket or a pair of boots won't warm you up still.. Warmth comes from within really..

!8 days since they took my baby from me.. 18 days she's been sleeping away from me.. 18 days she's been washed, fed, looked after by them.. 18 days and her father deprived me from even seeing her on any application.. He just gave me one hour only in the day to voice call her! And he calls her in this hour to cut us off!

Thankfully, she sounds fine! Excited about this new life away from me.. She's being a brave girl.. An adventurous one.. Just like I taught her and Mom taught her.. But I'm not.. And Mom is not.. We're too too weak to handle this.. It's hard.. Can you tell me how can I live normally? I eat and drink and laugh out loud.. I sleep it's not like I don't.. But the pain in my chest and tightness of my breath isn't going anywhere..

My only fault is being physically sick and travelling for treatment! Instead of being treated alone in a country where non of my family lives; to carry me if I pass out again..

I pray she comes back to me safe and sound.. God Who's been sending this snow down Can Do anything.. We are waiting for that magical moment.. And until then I ask you to pray for us..

Z told me today that she's practising for the show.. She'll play a patient whose tooth needs to be pulled out.. Fairouz will be her doctor.. Wish I can go see that.. Instead people who don't care a bit about her will go.. And get tickets.. And I'm here..

Allah Said:

"Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people."

Ya Rab!

6+

I wrote in May 2017:

"My baby is officially 6 years old this month! MashaAllah! Her toes, her fingers, her lips, her eyes, her smell, her heart, her mind and her soul are all 6 years of age! Praise The Lord! It's hard work.. A LOT OF HARD WORK.. Taking care of fish, cats and plants is not even close.. Fish, cats and plants will always be indoors sheltered from all the ongoing non-stop mess.. But human beings are very complicated.."

And I stopped writing..

A lot of things happened since then, A LOT! Things that are hard to be written.. To start with, I have been a single mother for a couple of years.. Got married, divorced, remarried to the same dude with hopes of it working out, and then divorced again! When things don't work out, they just don't work out.. Don't push it.. And through my 2 divorces, he forced me to stay away from my folks in a land that he hates and can't live in himself.. To just torture me.. Not considering the needs and wants of his own little girl..

And I did it, for the sake of my baby I did it.. Until I got sick.. Literally sick.. Ill.. To the limit of not being able to do simple chores around the house.. And I had to be fixed.. And he never believed it.. To torture me more, he banned her from travelling with me and is planning to take her in 2 days.. Two days.. After 9 months of carrying her inside of me and 6 years and five months (2345 days) of carrying her heart in mine and her whole being 24/7..

I don't know what tomorrow carries for me and her.. What I know is that God Is The Most Powerful and He & only He Can Save her and Bring her back to me, safe and sound..... Amen!