A web of love...

Mr Rogers said they’ll install the internet after a couple of days. Oh, didn’t I tell you? We’re moving, AGAIN! Maybe for the hundredth time in my life. A new corner, new air, new water stream..

We need to detox, don’t we? Maybe try new routines. New sights. But never a new Dooby; we’ll surely miss you kitty; may you stay safe :(

I always believed a home should always have elderly, children, & cats. Or at least that’s how our home was always like. However; life happened.

*sighs*

TV has always been important in our home. Maybe ‘cuz it can magically take us back in time. See beautiful things that stopped existing. Or listen to some words that strengthen our faith.

Faith. Know something, faith is literally everything. Brings forth courtesy & patience. Faith is what grants us serenity & tranquility.

I’ll feel better when:

I do my homework.

Ice skate.

Graduate.

Play.

Get that job.

Buy this & that.

Leave that job.

Get married.

Have my baby.

Go for Hajj.

Get divorced.

Get healthier.

Lose this pain.

Kill those cancerous cells.

And so much more.

However, it will never work when you hang your joy on certain conditions. It’s all about faith. Faith.

Now don’t ask me how to have it please, I’m sure you know better than I do.

Love,

My Eyes...

Your eyes,

My eyes,

No lies,

No cries,

Your love,

Hatred defies 🌸

For the first time, in months of different moons & sun, they let me see you online; ‘cuz He for me to see you Has Willed!

الحمد لله حمداً كثيراً طيباً مباركاًفيه

I don’t want to be dramatic and sad, but what can I do.

I saw how scared you were. Your eyes were watching out throughout our call, & were not free. Our words were monitored, & so were our tears, cries & fears.

I saw your sadness & felt your sorrow. I know it’s hard. Your teeth were pulled out today. You are older. Hopefully stronger. You’re definitely a survivor.

I’m sorry you had to grow up faster than you should have. Sorry you had to make your own breakfast before hitting seven. Sorry you sleep in the dark!

Today you are new.

Days before turning seven.

Today you are lost.

A victim to an unconvicted felon.

If Allah Wills, He’ll bring you back to me.

In a heartbeat, he can let me your eyes see.

Eyes of my eyes, blood of my blood,

I’m never whole without you, my pains can run a flood.

Tomorrow?

I don’t know. But today, you’re not here, and that hurts!

Teta’s humming in the kitchen, as I’m writing these words. It ‘feels’ home that way. Are you feeling home? I’m sure not!

For the first time in the past six months they actually let you call me a real call. I don’t know why or how, but they did. For 24 whole minutes!

Are they starting to understand the truth of the matter? Are they getting close to admitting that your safest haven is with your mama? I don’t know...

You said that you’re starting to master swimming on your back & that you started sleeping on your own, without “night light”. You tried to convince me that you’re not scared, & that you’re doing great.

I know it’s hard, but I can’t change it.

I’m so sorry baby.

You said you’re still saving money to get me our dream big car. Baby, that means the world to me!

You said you’ll play a new half turkish song on our rides; that you’re sure I’ll like.

Baby ana <<33

You said you’re bigger, wear size 10, and your hair grew longer. MashaAllah habeebit mommy, I wish I can see that.

My eyes are dry now; not sure if you’ll know them.

You tried playing my game, and asked me if I wish to share any secrets with you. I only said that I wish to be with you.

I lied.

I didn’t tell you that Teta & I cry everyday.

Every.

Single.

Day. 

I didn’t tell you that Lulu broke down, literally broke down for you a few days ago...

I didn’t tell you that we’re moving, maybe close to a kids park.

I didn’t tell you that my heart wept at Ikea yesterday. I don’t know if we’ll go there together again, if you’ll play there & ask for ice cream. Again.

I didn’t tell you that at Payless Shoes I wanted to SCREAM and tell the world that I have a baby whom would have been wanting to check out shoes & ask me to buy ones for her with heels, & that I always manage to say ‘no; they’ll hurt your feet’... How I never let you off my sight, not even to hide behind the isles to play hide and seek.

I didn’t tell you that every time my phone rings, I freak out. It’s becoming scary.

I didn’t tell you that I have a million fears for you from your very self, let alone the rest of the world. Seen & unseen.

I didn’t tell you that I want to put my head on your chest & cry my heart out.

Baby, you always take care of me. You always tell me not to worry. You need to come back to me baby. You need to tell me it’ll be okay. Please.

Promise to let you comb my hair.

Tu’bury alby mommy......

Lallooo so so so muchy much!

Fifty One Days Later...

They let us talk again! Just. Phone. Calls. Who knows for how long...

...

184 days & nights since I last kissed you... It never got easier. Not once. I’m still here. Trying to hold on to my grace.

51 days ago they decided to not let me talk to you. Fifty one cold days and fifty one  dark nights. A severe torture. Not knowing anything about you. With nothing left in our hands to do to stop their destruction.

Only yesterday they let us talk! I don’t know why then, but surely Allah Knows how hard it has been for us. I pray it wasn’t as hard for you baby.

Sorry you had to travel by plane & go through so much wihout your Mama. Sorry ya wardet mama <3

You told me today that starting from tomorrow you’ll be going back to the house from your school bus BY YOURSELF! But you’ll call your father every time you reach home! I had a bad headache since that moment. Something happened to my brain cells. My heart can not fathom. How? Why?

So many questions I NEED to ask you, but fear holds my tongue. I fear them doing that all over again.

I’m sorry for not telling you how I feel. Not showing you how much I’m dying each moment for you. I just can’t; too scared of them turning all connections off. Over. And. Over. Again.

I’m sorry I won’t be there on your birthday. I’m sorry for not being a source of light in your precious life. I’m sorry I won’t be in your pictures.

Someday I’ll have you back, inshaAllah. I’ll explain to you. And if that doesn’t happen; it’ll surely happen up there inshaAllah.

Lallo mommy! Heart of my heart!

Remember this book? I never continued reading it for you. I never let you watch Cinderella; not knowing that you would experience her life at 6.5.. I thought watching Lion King would be too rough for you. Not knowing that you were to go through this chaos too soon.

They let you watch After Life?! May Allah Protect your little heart Pateeteyayeeee!

Did you really mean it when you said that my mac & cheese is better than the one they gave you for lunch today? Please don’t forget my love for you.

Mommy loves Nonny very muchy much!

Ugy muggy baby!