23 kg x 2

Today you told me on the phone that it’s memories not Nemories, like you used to say.. It’s remember not reNember.. Something not soNething.. “rigl” not “ligl” (leg/foot).. You also said that a new tooth is coming out where we pulled out the old one TOGETHER..

You started talking differently, using slang Egyptian terms I never heard of.. You’re changing & I’m not there to watch or lead.. Totally out of my hands..

You’re building new nemories & maybe forgetting old ones!

How far of nemories can we renember? Do you think I’ll be a nemory in my baby’s heart? When will she ever come to me? Will I live through this? Can nemories be wiped?

Growing up I travelled every year of my life.. Unstability is a huge part of who I am.. I love my blanket, creams, teddy & pillow.. They were always my home.. Never travelled without them.. Not even for a night or two.. Na ah, not me!

But I did, not totally.. Somehow!

Sticking to a certain weight for one’s baggage has always been a torture.. How can you fit so many things in two bags? I’m tired of travelling.. I don’t wish to see the world anymore..

I only want to be HOME with my family & baby growing up in front of me.. I want to kiss her all over, squish her, wash her & make sure she’s alright everywhere; a tranquil soul, a happy heart, a mindful mind, & a healthy body..

I love how she always tells me at the end of our monitored infrequent calls, “don’t cry Mommy!”.. I’m crying baby.. With & without tears.. It hurts a lot.. A LOT!

I don’t want to be this sad party pooper.. But today, it’s very difficult.. Maybe tomorrow :)

My heart goes out to all single parents out there whom have been deprived by distance/death of their babies.. May Allah grant us the patience & strength, amen..

Staying Warm!

It's freezing down here.. Freezing! Below zero degrees.. Buying a jacket or a pair of boots won't warm you up still.. Warmth comes from within really..

!8 days since they took my baby from me.. 18 days she's been sleeping away from me.. 18 days she's been washed, fed, looked after by them.. 18 days and her father deprived me from even seeing her on any application.. He just gave me one hour only in the day to voice call her! And he calls her in this hour to cut us off!

Thankfully, she sounds fine! Excited about this new life away from me.. She's being a brave girl.. An adventurous one.. Just like I taught her and Mom taught her.. But I'm not.. And Mom is not.. We're too too weak to handle this.. It's hard.. Can you tell me how can I live normally? I eat and drink and laugh out loud.. I sleep it's not like I don't.. But the pain in my chest and tightness of my breath isn't going anywhere..

My only fault is being physically sick and travelling for treatment! Instead of being treated alone in a country where non of my family lives; to carry me if I pass out again..

I pray she comes back to me safe and sound.. God Who's been sending this snow down Can Do anything.. We are waiting for that magical moment.. And until then I ask you to pray for us..

Z told me today that she's practising for the show.. She'll play a patient whose tooth needs to be pulled out.. Fairouz will be her doctor.. Wish I can go see that.. Instead people who don't care a bit about her will go.. And get tickets.. And I'm here..

Allah Said:

"Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people."

Ya Rab!