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Ah Pateety, they all asked me about you yesterday at the wedding. Did you remember my birthday? I hope you didn’t, nor feel sad, & fear doesn’t dare touch your door..

You know, Allah sent me my cousins to soften these rough days. If only you were here, you’d have been running around in the gardens with them yesterday. When are you coming back baby?

...........

Where did the days go! I feel old!

Age of the people of paradise.

I’m barely close, living by Allah’s Mercy.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t imagine to be where I am today.

Divorced. Twice. From the same monster who harmed his own daughter before harming me. How did I ever get deluded with a beard!

So naive!

Forced to live now in a third world country; to seek unborn justice.

Can’t hear my daughter’s voice, let alone see her.

Scared of everything. Every. Single. Thing.

Wait. Don’t think I’m ungrateful.

I’m so grateful to the farthest extent.

Can’t begin with my endless list..

........

This picture is a perfect explanation of my current situation! Right from my birthday yesterday :)

Sorry for not introducing you:

Meet Amoona!

I can’t believe how big she’s become!

She’s my cousin, but I’ve always felt that she’s my first babygirl. I was 18 when she was born. I remember only yesterday I was buying her tutus and putting her to sleep in my arms..

Her first day of nursery & first girlie secret.

Her fights with her siblings & anger towards her parents.

God how I love her. I literally feel like crying everytime I look at her. I want to protect her from the world & keep her in my heart.

She’s a young lady now, just turned 15 five days ago, but more sophisticated than you can imagine!

I remember when I had Z, I told her I wish she’d grow to be like you, & she said “ask Allah”... She KNOWS how loved she is, & that should be enough, shouldn’t it?

..............

Can I take you back to the wedding?

So yesterday, I met a teacher I’ve worked with years ago. She told me “you can never judge anyone” and that “people have become horrible”, & those were her excuses for sinning. Big sins!

I really couldn’t say much & asked Allah to Protect her & me.

Why has everyone become so enslaved by their whims? People do really bad things nowadays, that I can’t even share here, but sure you’ve come across some in your life.

Is it better if we lock ourselves up? Nope!

Get so involved? No!

Become heartless? Nope!

Give all we can? Sometimes!

Why sometimes ? Cuz that’s what I wish to be doing from now on.. caring too much backfires on me all the time!

May Allah Protect us all!

.......

I still wish I was a carefree bird. Somewhere in a far off island, where humans don’t exist.

People harm more than benefit.

Right now, just trying to keep my head above water!

Battlefield.

Your pyjamas are soaked in tears. They’re not your size anymore. You’re growing away from me. I ask kids how old they are; to imagine how big you’ve become. They answer it like any other boring question silly grownups ask, not knowing how much it means to me.

Long days & nights have turned into months. Months are turning into a year/years. Only He Knows when I’ll see you next.

You see I failed. Failed to fight our fight. I wasn’t raised a warrior, I’m just a mama duck. I can swim and walk on land, but not fight them wolves & mice. My quacks were never loud, nor was my pace quick enough.

They tell me get louder, fight harder, not knowing I can’t do it further. I had my share of noise; my heart can’t take this fracture.

I CAN NOT do any more, I lost in the battlefield. I wasn’t born to slaughter, nor did I learn how to make a shield.

I ask Him for you all the time,

While driving, stopping & following lines,

While walking between the isles,

I’m the crazy talking to herself mom.

Will the cutest duckling find her way home,

To her broken wounded mama, alone?

You & I are never alone,

He’s alway Got our backs & Hears our moans.

May your Eid be filled with joy & love,

No balloons without you, nothing yummy on our stove.

“My eyes are sleepy mommy...”

You used to say this when you’d fall asleep, after more than an hour of being in bed. You’d say it right before falling asleep. As if it’s a mistake to sleep.

How do you sleep now mommy? How are your nights like? Your dreams? Your fears? Wish I could’ve had anything left in my hands to do. Wish I could bring you back to my arms.

My eyes are hardly sleepy baby. Not feeding you with my own hands. Not filtering the air you breathe. Allah Is Always there baby. Always.

Don’t know where to hide my pain. My eyes tell on me. The lines on my face. The frozen tears. I’m losing my way.

Teta’s pain is bigger. Deeper.

They got me new perfumes mommy. Didn’t find you to open them for me like you always do (open my presents). Will you still know me with my different scent?

Yesterday we had a big iftaar gathering at your favorite uncle’s place (that you’ve never been to), & when some asked me about you, I said I don’t know. No answer to calls nor messages. No one found words to say. I held my tears. I’m strong for you mommy.

We talked about teddy bears. M said her hubby still holds on to his favorite childhood teddy bear, the one with the lost eye.

Her brother had to leave behind his big stuffed elephant when they immigrated to Canada years ago. 

N had to take her doll’s head only ‘cuz there wasn’t enough space in their bags.

We laughed through the night, each of us carrying pains and memories.

Too many faces & lots of noise. Meaningless noise. Wish I could breathe under water. Reduce the noise.

Wish I could make sense of it all, but I can’t.

Teta A is really sick, remember her? The one with the warm hands & squeezy hugs. Everyone is getting older. Weaker.

May Allah make it easy on us all!

Oh heart of my heart,

Love you from before the start...