h e a r t o f m y h e a r t

Happy birthday mommy <3

How much more can my heart bear.. It's been so heavy for a year & a half now. This lump in my throat never goes away.

You're eight mashaAllah. I wonder how your voice is like. Your smile. Your frown. How your skin feels like. How many new scars, seen & unseen. How many new words, good & bad. How many new feelings & thoughts.

I love this picture. Remember when we had to pull out your two first teeth at the dentist's? How scared you were.. I thought I'd always be there for you. With your hand & heart in mine, you'd have nothing to fear. Little did I know.

Ah, how you love your birth story.. How many times did you ask to hear it. I don't know how he can harm you this much baby, I don't know until when.. I'm writing this with a million tears & fears.

How many times did you need me. How many times did you dream of me. I'm so sorry Pateeteyayee.. I'm so very sorry cookie.

You came two weeks earlier than the due date. I heard that cat give birth, & took it as a sign.. Only a few hours later you took your first breath.

I'm sorry I gave birth to you in Egypt. I'm sorry I made that first wrong choice. I'm sorry you had to be with these monsters.

Another Ramadan. Another birthday. I'm sorry for not being there. God Knows what I'm going through. We're doing all we can to get you back, but the tide is so high.

May Allah Protect you Nony.. May Allah save you from all evil. You're such a tough cookie, I'm so proud of you darling.. Hold on mommy.. Hold on tight, inshaAllah it'll be alright. inshaAllah.

Seven...

My one & only,

Just like today, seven years ago, you took your first breath. It took you a few seconds to let out you first cry. I got scared, & the nurses did too.

As soon as you did, they put you on my chest, & I didn’t know what to feel. You were really here. After all the kicks & dreams. All the vitamins & fears.

You came to our lives, filled it with a new kind of love; a new taste, a new strive.

I was always overprotective. I didn’t even get a chance to change, from all the care I gave you. I suffocated you with all my fears.

And today, you’re not with me. You’re celebrating in another continent, with others I don’t even know.

I can’t smell you or see your face. Can’t cry & tell you how I sniffed you until that last day. Can’t know what’s happening to you, your eyes, your heart, or what’s your  new nickname...

All I can do is wish you a happy birthday, happy life, with & without me. I’m kissing your picture & praying for your return.

May Allah protect you, & keep you safe oh Allah’s miracle, my little princess, my  one & only babygirl <3

Puddingy :)

Happy Birthday Puddingy :) Happy 22nd baby brother :)

Yes! You'll always be my baby brother :) Almost 10 years apart, & this has given me the excuse of always seeing you as my baby.. First baby ever.. Your love in my heart has its place.. A warm place in the very depth of it.. You're my sunshine and I'll always be your sunflower ;)

I remember always wishing for you to be the things I couldn't be.. A tennis champion & taking you to them tennis classes, remember? Qur'an lover and always playing you them nasheeds ;) 

Now it's evolved to something bigger.. You have magically become my man! I feel happily safe with you.. You make me feel better and think clearer..

I love how you look like me (you even have my eczema) :P 

I love you Puddingy :*

Yours,

'Assforet Bodi :)

p.s. za'roora, boff, 400... can't remember the rest...... remember? :)

31

May God's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon us all :)

These are my first words of a new chapter in my life.

Today marks a new page in my "Sakeena Within" life book. Sakeena is one of my favorite Arabic words, that stands for tranquility. It's a search for that inner peace that we all long for.. Sakeena is what I wanted to name my baby girl, but couldn't as it wasn't pronounced correctly where she was born.

I'd love to share here my views and heartfelt emotions that might help in making our world a better one; and eventually be a road to heaven! This is my second blog. I started blogging from 2004 until roughly 2013. However stopped gradually for drowning in an ocean of misery.

Here I am a survivor of a tough ride that lasted for years! Where do I begin!

My life has begun 31 solar years ago, with so many amazing people in my life! I've always been blessed with love, respect and dignity; qualities that are scarce in today's world.

I want to thank my lovely family for supporting me all through the years.. The 31 years!

Thank you all and may Allah reward you for your endless unconditional love!

I chose this picture to start with as it represents a moment of joy that I experienced with my Mom that tops all charts. Love you Mommy! May I never spend a moment without your warm lovely smile, amen!

So cheers to new beginnings and a new breeze :)

To Mom, Dad, siblings, Uncle A., my lovely daughter, my dearest late Grandpa and to the world, here's my "peace" of Sakeena for you :)

Respectfully,
S.