Fifty One Days Later...

They let us talk again! Just. Phone. Calls. Who knows for how long...

...

184 days & nights since I last kissed you... It never got easier. Not once. I’m still here. Trying to hold on to my grace.

51 days ago they decided to not let me talk to you. Fifty one cold days and fifty one  dark nights. A severe torture. Not knowing anything about you. With nothing left in our hands to do to stop their destruction.

Only yesterday they let us talk! I don’t know why then, but surely Allah Knows how hard it has been for us. I pray it wasn’t as hard for you baby.

Sorry you had to travel by plane & go through so much wihout your Mama. Sorry ya wardet mama <3

You told me today that starting from tomorrow you’ll be going back to the house from your school bus BY YOURSELF! But you’ll call your father every time you reach home! I had a bad headache since that moment. Something happened to my brain cells. My heart can not fathom. How? Why?

So many questions I NEED to ask you, but fear holds my tongue. I fear them doing that all over again.

I’m sorry for not telling you how I feel. Not showing you how much I’m dying each moment for you. I just can’t; too scared of them turning all connections off. Over. And. Over. Again.

I’m sorry I won’t be there on your birthday. I’m sorry for not being a source of light in your precious life. I’m sorry I won’t be in your pictures.

Someday I’ll have you back, inshaAllah. I’ll explain to you. And if that doesn’t happen; it’ll surely happen up there inshaAllah.

Lallo mommy! Heart of my heart!

Remember this book? I never continued reading it for you. I never let you watch Cinderella; not knowing that you would experience her life at 6.5.. I thought watching Lion King would be too rough for you. Not knowing that you were to go through this chaos too soon.

They let you watch After Life?! May Allah Protect your little heart Pateeteyayeeee!

Did you really mean it when you said that my mac & cheese is better than the one they gave you for lunch today? Please don’t forget my love for you.

Mommy loves Nonny very muchy much!

Ugy muggy baby!

I have never told you this, but...

It was for your own good.. And mine.. Or so I thought.. So please forgive me...

I chose to stay back.. Can’t take risks.. Can’t do it anymore.. I’ve been hurt.. Really hurt.. You only get one heart.. and mine has had enough..

It’s a long story.. But not so different; so common nowadays.. However, what makes it different is the way each one of us tackles their situation.. How strong or weak they get.. How thick or thin their skin is.. Mine was super thin; it easily became friends with eczema ;)

I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that since last May I have become physically very weak.. Emotionally very drained.. I could no longer do simple tasks.. Let alone get married again!

Getting married is a huge project, but it’s never two hearts becoming one and bla bla bla.. Because two can never be one, let’s not fool ourselves..

It takes a lot of compromise, respect, understanding, acceptance & honesty.. And love on top.. And when any lack, it’d hardly live..

...

I didn’t tell you that any girl would die to have a man like you.. I didn’t tell you that deep down I felt a little happy.. I didn’t tell you that it was a very heroic proposal.. I didn’t tell you that a part of me wanted to say yes.. A very small part.. A part that got burried deep deep down..

Having a man to lean on is every woman’s instinctive dream.. One who loves, leads & takes her higher.. Brings out the best in her.. Contains her weaknesses & adds comfort..

For me to have this man, I need to be the wind beneath his wings.. And I can’t.. I can’t be anything to anyone..

I never told you how sorry I am for making you sad.. But I was scared that by telling you sorry,  you’d think that there’d be a way for us together..

You deserve better.. Someone with no tears.. Someone with no fears.. Someone happier.. Someone who’s not me..

And when you do, find ‘the one’, please take care of her.. Her feelings.. Be her pride.. Please contain her, isn’t she “created from a rib; and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, it will remain crooked”? Our Prophet peace and blessings be upon him commanded you to take care of her in a good manner.. So Please do... :)

I never told you that it was nice meeting you.. You’re a real gentleman.. May God grant you your longed for sakeena :)

As for me, I’d rather stay in the shade.. Away from all feelings.. I wish I could feel less, see less, know less.. I can’t hear noises.. No not today.. 

No sunlight nor moonlight,

I’m so broken from this fight,

My heart can’t taste delight,

With my baby out of sight..

Yesterday & today are sad,

Maybe tomorrow after I’ve had,

My share of seeing evil & bad,

I’d be happy & again restart..

Pebbles

Yesterday you told me on the phone: “They took my two pairs of glasses and gave them to the optician to change my lenses; and left me without glasses for two days! It’s unfair mommy; my cousin can see without glasses & I can’t.. It’s unfair mommy, the nanny bathes me and calls me names.. She says I’m ill-mannered & that she’ll teach me how to behave!”

Ah baby ah, if only I was there! I never left you for a second without glasses.. Never let you after the shower take a second trying to see without glasses.. Not even under water.. Went looking all over Egypt for goggles for your weak eyesight & couldn’t find any.. Your dearest grandpa got you goggles all the way from the US.

Remember that night baby (picture)? You wanted to play with those pebbles & I was on the edge as I feared the germs and dirt.. I tried letting you play for a while.. Tried to loosen up.. Remember?

I tried so hard in everything sweetheart.. EVERYTHING! I remarried your dad to give it another shot for you.. I lived in Egypt for two years for you.. He didn’t live there & banned you from travelling with me; while he knew exactly how scary it is for me to live there.. And how alone we were..

I never left you alone.. Never left you with nannies.. Never let anyone bathe you other than me & your dearest Granny.. I never even let you talk to nannies to not pick any inappropriate words..

I watched everything you watched, never let you watch silly cartoons.. Always educational stuff.. Not even my favorite Aladdin nor Little Mermaid..

Now your dad’s mom, whom ruined my wedding by turning the songs off, lets you watch kids singing meaningless songs and competing in that.. She clips your nails with scissors!

Sorry I got too sick.. I was carried to the Emergency room in front of you, reNember?

Not my country, nor my people..

I’m physically & emotionally very ill..

I begged him Pateety.. We all begged him to take you with me.. He said no & humiliated us all..

Today he took you to Kuwait! How can the laws be so unfair? I can’t take you, but he can?! How can that be? And he’s not letting me reach you at all!

I could have stopped it.. I could have banned you from travelling with him.. I didn’t.. For you..

And now you want to call your step-mom “Mommy”..

You know what he told us baby? He said he’ll lie to you and will tell you that I left you ‘cuz I didn’t want to take care of you anymore.. I have it recorded.. With his voice.. He’ll lie to you.. They’ll all lie.. And they have started..

However, I won’t do anything other than asking Allah.. I’ll beg Him and only Him.. He Has the Power to bring you back to me..

Kisses on your eyes!

Ya Rab!

6+

I wrote in May 2017:

"My baby is officially 6 years old this month! MashaAllah! Her toes, her fingers, her lips, her eyes, her smell, her heart, her mind and her soul are all 6 years of age! Praise The Lord! It's hard work.. A LOT OF HARD WORK.. Taking care of fish, cats and plants is not even close.. Fish, cats and plants will always be indoors sheltered from all the ongoing non-stop mess.. But human beings are very complicated.."

And I stopped writing..

A lot of things happened since then, A LOT! Things that are hard to be written.. To start with, I have been a single mother for a couple of years.. Got married, divorced, remarried to the same dude with hopes of it working out, and then divorced again! When things don't work out, they just don't work out.. Don't push it.. And through my 2 divorces, he forced me to stay away from my folks in a land that he hates and can't live in himself.. To just torture me.. Not considering the needs and wants of his own little girl..

And I did it, for the sake of my baby I did it.. Until I got sick.. Literally sick.. Ill.. To the limit of not being able to do simple chores around the house.. And I had to be fixed.. And he never believed it.. To torture me more, he banned her from travelling with me and is planning to take her in 2 days.. Two days.. After 9 months of carrying her inside of me and 6 years and five months (2345 days) of carrying her heart in mine and her whole being 24/7..

I don't know what tomorrow carries for me and her.. What I know is that God Is The Most Powerful and He & only He Can Save her and Bring her back to me, safe and sound..... Amen!