h e a r t o f m y h e a r t

Happy birthday mommy <3

How much more can my heart bear.. It's been so heavy for a year & a half now. This lump in my throat never goes away.

You're eight mashaAllah. I wonder how your voice is like. Your smile. Your frown. How your skin feels like. How many new scars, seen & unseen. How many new words, good & bad. How many new feelings & thoughts.

I love this picture. Remember when we had to pull out your two first teeth at the dentist's? How scared you were.. I thought I'd always be there for you. With your hand & heart in mine, you'd have nothing to fear. Little did I know.

Ah, how you love your birth story.. How many times did you ask to hear it. I don't know how he can harm you this much baby, I don't know until when.. I'm writing this with a million tears & fears.

How many times did you need me. How many times did you dream of me. I'm so sorry Pateeteyayee.. I'm so very sorry cookie.

You came two weeks earlier than the due date. I heard that cat give birth, & took it as a sign.. Only a few hours later you took your first breath.

I'm sorry I gave birth to you in Egypt. I'm sorry I made that first wrong choice. I'm sorry you had to be with these monsters.

Another Ramadan. Another birthday. I'm sorry for not being there. God Knows what I'm going through. We're doing all we can to get you back, but the tide is so high.

May Allah Protect you Nony.. May Allah save you from all evil. You're such a tough cookie, I'm so proud of you darling.. Hold on mommy.. Hold on tight, inshaAllah it'll be alright. inshaAllah.

33

Ah Pateety, they all asked me about you yesterday at the wedding. Did you remember my birthday? I hope you didn’t, nor feel sad, & fear doesn’t dare touch your door..

You know, Allah sent me my cousins to soften these rough days. If only you were here, you’d have been running around in the gardens with them yesterday. When are you coming back baby?

...........

Where did the days go! I feel old!

Age of the people of paradise.

I’m barely close, living by Allah’s Mercy.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t imagine to be where I am today.

Divorced. Twice. From the same monster who harmed his own daughter before harming me. How did I ever get deluded with a beard!

So naive!

Forced to live now in a third world country; to seek unborn justice.

Can’t hear my daughter’s voice, let alone see her.

Scared of everything. Every. Single. Thing.

Wait. Don’t think I’m ungrateful.

I’m so grateful to the farthest extent.

Can’t begin with my endless list..

........

This picture is a perfect explanation of my current situation! Right from my birthday yesterday :)

Sorry for not introducing you:

Meet Amoona!

I can’t believe how big she’s become!

She’s my cousin, but I’ve always felt that she’s my first babygirl. I was 18 when she was born. I remember only yesterday I was buying her tutus and putting her to sleep in my arms..

Her first day of nursery & first girlie secret.

Her fights with her siblings & anger towards her parents.

God how I love her. I literally feel like crying everytime I look at her. I want to protect her from the world & keep her in my heart.

She’s a young lady now, just turned 15 five days ago, but more sophisticated than you can imagine!

I remember when I had Z, I told her I wish she’d grow to be like you, & she said “ask Allah”... She KNOWS how loved she is, & that should be enough, shouldn’t it?

..............

Can I take you back to the wedding?

So yesterday, I met a teacher I’ve worked with years ago. She told me “you can never judge anyone” and that “people have become horrible”, & those were her excuses for sinning. Big sins!

I really couldn’t say much & asked Allah to Protect her & me.

Why has everyone become so enslaved by their whims? People do really bad things nowadays, that I can’t even share here, but sure you’ve come across some in your life.

Is it better if we lock ourselves up? Nope!

Get so involved? No!

Become heartless? Nope!

Give all we can? Sometimes!

Why sometimes ? Cuz that’s what I wish to be doing from now on.. caring too much backfires on me all the time!

May Allah Protect us all!

.......

I still wish I was a carefree bird. Somewhere in a far off island, where humans don’t exist.

People harm more than benefit.

Right now, just trying to keep my head above water!

His Light..

"Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The example of His light is like a niche within which is a lamp, the lamp is within glass, the glass as if it were a pearly [white] star lit from [the oil of] a blessed olive tree, neither of the east nor of the west, whose oil would almost glow even if untouched by fire. Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He wills. And Allah presents examples for the people, and Allah is Knowing of all things."
~Quran~

It's always dark away from Him. Intentionally forgetting or forsaking, are the worst. He's always Near. Closer than veins. 

Through these dark times I live, I am so thankful, for so many things, can't even begin. I'm thankful for that 11 y/old girl smiling at me in the mosque today. The prettiest smile. Leaning on me through the sermon and at times playing with the strings from my rug.. She even fiddled with my skirt.. I wanted to tell her about you.. I want to tell them all, but no one will ever understand.. Will I live to see you this tall baby? Ya Rab!

Can you believe it Pateety? Your own dad forbidding you from reaching me. May Allah Protect your little heart mommy.. May Allah bring you back to me safe and sound!

Yes, I'm going to courts for you honey bunboony.. He asked for it! Never thought I'd take this route, but life could sometimes be beyond any expectation. My advice? Never trust too much baby, never!

I lost my peace of mind, my serenity.. I lost me. Just like a flower, waiting to bloom.. I'm still me though, just need a big hug from you heart of heart, and I'll be alright..

Remember Sheikh Jaber? AlHamdulillah he's still alive and free, with a lot of restrictions though, may Allah Keep him safe. He said today that he was raised with his seven siblings without a dad, and turned out to be Sheikh Jaber. He said Allah Takes care of little ones. And old too.. I know angels are watching you.. And me..

I stopped in front of Grandma S's house, it was sad, so sad. Her voice left the place, it's so empty. Dark and still. No more poems, nor stories of her charming prince and past. She's become past..

I don't have a charming prince to tell you about, but I if I live long enough, I'll tell you about my dream of him.. The one I never met..

Will I ever be missed? Do I need to be missed? I don't think so, I just pray you'd be a road for me to heaven pumpkin..

I miss you beyond words, beyond thoughts, beyond dreams, beyond it all..

Dream a little dream of me...

“Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I'm longing to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me”

~ Fabian Andre / Gus Kahn / Wilbur Schwandt ~

Attu

Remember when we bought this pillow together baby? It misses you a lot & doesn’t believe that real life can be so harsh. It’s so glad and relieved that it’s a pillow & not real mama & baby bears.

...

It’s not always only mama & her baby. It’s Mama’s whole family too. Mama’s family loves you excessively princess! Everyone literally is a part of who you are young girl.

Attu is what you called Lulu when you started talking. خالتو supposedly.

You guys had this unique connection from day one. Siblings like & more. Something that I wasn’t to you. Your first bff.

She surprised me & flew in to see you when you were born & got you the cutest earrings you’ve ever had. I loved them so much on you. They broke. Time does that. Makes. Breaks. Mends.

I don’t know what this time away from us all is doing to you. All I do know is what it’s doing to US. It’s too painful. Attu is suffering a lot these days. Broke down a couple of times & wants me to fight harder, but I can’t baby. Can’t do more. Wallah I can’t. Just. Can’t.

...

Remember that night, first time ever, she let you sleep without brushing your teeth? Yup, that’s her! That’s what Attu is for.

She had you when I weaned you, & you didn’t feel nothing, ‘cuz she’s always got you. I’m sorry not to complete the two years, had to, you’ll understand when you grow up inshaAllah.

She was right there when you had your eyes surgery, & I was calming her down.

She’s always got you. She got you your first swimming suit, converse pair & hot shorts. She held you in the water for the first time. She gave you her own IPad, against my wish. Your first Ipad ever, & brought you that cute red case, reNember? So whenever you need one, just go to her ;)

She taught you your first full song.

Messed you up with ice cream.

She let your hair go crazy,

& carried you whenever I’d scream.

No one will be to you,

Like your precious Attu.

Do you still hide your ‘r’,

When you want your dreams to come true?

Battlefield.

Your pyjamas are soaked in tears. They’re not your size anymore. You’re growing away from me. I ask kids how old they are; to imagine how big you’ve become. They answer it like any other boring question silly grownups ask, not knowing how much it means to me.

Long days & nights have turned into months. Months are turning into a year/years. Only He Knows when I’ll see you next.

You see I failed. Failed to fight our fight. I wasn’t raised a warrior, I’m just a mama duck. I can swim and walk on land, but not fight them wolves & mice. My quacks were never loud, nor was my pace quick enough.

They tell me get louder, fight harder, not knowing I can’t do it further. I had my share of noise; my heart can’t take this fracture.

I CAN NOT do any more, I lost in the battlefield. I wasn’t born to slaughter, nor did I learn how to make a shield.

I ask Him for you all the time,

While driving, stopping & following lines,

While walking between the isles,

I’m the crazy talking to herself mom.

Will the cutest duckling find her way home,

To her broken wounded mama, alone?

You & I are never alone,

He’s alway Got our backs & Hears our moans.

May your Eid be filled with joy & love,

No balloons without you, nothing yummy on our stove.

“My eyes are sleepy mommy...”

You used to say this when you’d fall asleep, after more than an hour of being in bed. You’d say it right before falling asleep. As if it’s a mistake to sleep.

How do you sleep now mommy? How are your nights like? Your dreams? Your fears? Wish I could’ve had anything left in my hands to do. Wish I could bring you back to my arms.

My eyes are hardly sleepy baby. Not feeding you with my own hands. Not filtering the air you breathe. Allah Is Always there baby. Always.

Don’t know where to hide my pain. My eyes tell on me. The lines on my face. The frozen tears. I’m losing my way.

Teta’s pain is bigger. Deeper.

They got me new perfumes mommy. Didn’t find you to open them for me like you always do (open my presents). Will you still know me with my different scent?

Yesterday we had a big iftaar gathering at your favorite uncle’s place (that you’ve never been to), & when some asked me about you, I said I don’t know. No answer to calls nor messages. No one found words to say. I held my tears. I’m strong for you mommy.

We talked about teddy bears. M said her hubby still holds on to his favorite childhood teddy bear, the one with the lost eye.

Her brother had to leave behind his big stuffed elephant when they immigrated to Canada years ago. 

N had to take her doll’s head only ‘cuz there wasn’t enough space in their bags.

We laughed through the night, each of us carrying pains and memories.

Too many faces & lots of noise. Meaningless noise. Wish I could breathe under water. Reduce the noise.

Wish I could make sense of it all, but I can’t.

Teta A is really sick, remember her? The one with the warm hands & squeezy hugs. Everyone is getting older. Weaker.

May Allah make it easy on us all!

Oh heart of my heart,

Love you from before the start...

It hurts. A lot.

Miss you baby. Miss your smell. Your touch.

Your unheard voice calling me “Mommy”.

A pain that can never be described.

It’s a torture.

💔

Whether the phone is off, or no answer, Allah Is Watching. I only saw you for a few minutes twice online in those 225 days. And God knows of the very few times I was allowed to talk to you. Monitored. Not allowed to share feelings. I got yelled at thrice.

Allah. Is. Watching.

Lallo mommy <<33

“Ramadan Krem”

(Picture source: MBC)

Remember this guy baby?

Did you remember me when you saw him? Did you cry, or hold your tears?

Did you wish to talk to me?

Did you try fasting?

I recieved “Ramadan  Karem” from your number, was it you, or someone else?

How are you surviving this “no Mama” lifestyle?

...

Ramadan mubarak!

May Allah Guide us & Accept us!

So many mixed feelings every Ramadan.

So many people to miss. Smells. Voices.

Our house has always been where iftars take place. Where everybody gathers. Where a lot of Quran is read in its corners.

This Ramadan finds me so broken.

For the first time in more than a decade I break my fast with my closest family members all together. Parents & siblings. May Allah never deprive me of their presence. الحمد لله

For the first time without my daughter. Birthdays, mother’s days, sickness, all without hearing her voice. May Allah Protect her!

Well, enough with the sadness, last night. Let me tell you about last night. First taraweeh prayers on the night of the first of Ramadan. We moved to a new area, far from our masjid. I was so excited to check out the nearest masjid here.

We went, & the imam made mistakes reciting The Opening. And more mistakes followed. I was a bit upset. How did they let him; no other imams? So many questions.

The first two rak’as, I prayed next to a woman who constantly looked behind & actually turned her head throughout the prayer. As soon as we finished those two rak’as, she left.

The next two rak’as, I moved to fill a gap & slowly tried to let my shoulder touch the shoulder of the woman next to me. She shook her shoulder away. I tried again, thought it wasn’t done on purpose, she got really pissed, did salams, looked at me angrily, took a step away from me, and prayed again. Next to me but not close, with a gap between me and her, and another between her & the lady next to her. As soon as we did rukoo’ her keys made huge noise, she was wearing maybe 10 keys or more in a chain around her neck. I got so scared. She was very aggressive throughout the prayer. As soon as we were done with those two rak’as, she left to a corner.

I then needed to process. Process all this. Either become super angry at the imam & the two ladies, or try to understand.

1. This imam wasn’t an Arab & read better than me & memorizes the whole Qur’an. He studied for years to become an Imam. Maybe his recitation isn’t ideal, but he worked more than most of us do. May Allah Guide him.

2. The lady who kept turning her head while praying wasn’t doing right, but who knows where she’s coming from, who knows why she’s turning her head. May Allah Help her.

3. Again, I’ll never know why that other lady couldn’t pray shoulder to shoulder. Maybe she has a phobia. Whatever reason, she actually came to the masjid, bless her heart!

Ramadan is all about widening your horizons. Looking at the bigger picture.

I had an argument yesterday, I was asked why would I ask youth to go pray taraweeh, while they miss their daily prayers. I didn’t win the argument. 

All I wanted to say is that taraweeh have a certain taste, that you wouldn’t easily get at home.

Especially if they were taraweeh you went to with your uncle A, who has a special Ramadan outfit & perfume.

Especially if you go to masjid Mus’ab Ibn Omair in Abu Dhabi, & pray behind sheikh Jaber AbdulHamid Qutb.

Sheikh Jaber, you are always in my prayers. You know that I wanted you to teach my daughter Qur’an? It was one of my wishes. Who knows, maybe someday.

How many of you can tell a person’s nationality from their toes? ;)

Ya Allah. So many mixed emotions.

اللهم إنك عفو كريم تحب العفو فاعف عنا

P.S. Did you imagine this Ramadan would find you where you are today? In a million years, I wouldn’t have guessed even tenth of it!

Seven...

My one & only,

Just like today, seven years ago, you took your first breath. It took you a few seconds to let out you first cry. I got scared, & the nurses did too.

As soon as you did, they put you on my chest, & I didn’t know what to feel. You were really here. After all the kicks & dreams. All the vitamins & fears.

You came to our lives, filled it with a new kind of love; a new taste, a new strive.

I was always overprotective. I didn’t even get a chance to change, from all the care I gave you. I suffocated you with all my fears.

And today, you’re not with me. You’re celebrating in another continent, with others I don’t even know.

I can’t smell you or see your face. Can’t cry & tell you how I sniffed you until that last day. Can’t know what’s happening to you, your eyes, your heart, or what’s your  new nickname...

All I can do is wish you a happy birthday, happy life, with & without me. I’m kissing your picture & praying for your return.

May Allah protect you, & keep you safe oh Allah’s miracle, my little princess, my  one & only babygirl <3

Just another day...

Yesterday was a very difficult one. It was not just another day for us here. You answered the phone & sounded full of fear. You said you’ll be travelling for 20 days after Eid & weren’t allowed to tell me where to or connect with me on those days.

Then you said you were wearing an eyepatch. You said you’ll be wearing it for three months & that your right eye is super weak. You said it itches your nose. I didn’t know how I held my screams. My tears wet my blouse.

It’s hard.

Not knowing & knowing are both hard. How much more can my heart take. 

I am not saying it’s not fair anymore, because it adds nothing & lifts nothing.

Dead air. It’s like I’m sucked out of me.

It’s when you think it can’t get worse, and it just does.

Today is another one. One of those many many ones they don’t let you answer the phone.

الحمدلله with all my heart. Alhamdulillah for it all.

Remember your eyes’ surgery? Remember? May Allah Heal you just like He did many times before!

You’re strong baby, I know, you’re way stronger than me. I’m so proud of being your mommy!

...

I’m praying, always praying for you.

Out loud & with no words & no clue.

I know Allah Is Taking Care of you.

He Knows; that’s what’s getting me through.

Babygirl, li’l princess, you know I love you?

I wish I could give both my eyes to you.

My Eyes...

Your eyes,

My eyes,

No lies,

No cries,

Your love,

Hatred defies 🌸

For the first time, in months of different moons & sun, they let me see you online; ‘cuz He for me to see you Has Willed!

الحمد لله حمداً كثيراً طيباً مباركاًفيه

I don’t want to be dramatic and sad, but what can I do.

I saw how scared you were. Your eyes were watching out throughout our call, & were not free. Our words were monitored, & so were our tears, cries & fears.

I saw your sadness & felt your sorrow. I know it’s hard. Your teeth were pulled out today. You are older. Hopefully stronger. You’re definitely a survivor.

I’m sorry you had to grow up faster than you should have. Sorry you had to make your own breakfast before hitting seven. Sorry you sleep in the dark!

Today you are new.

Days before turning seven.

Today you are lost.

A victim to an unconvicted felon.

If Allah Wills, He’ll bring you back to me.

In a heartbeat, he can let me your eyes see.

Eyes of my eyes, blood of my blood,

I’m never whole without you, my pains can run a flood.

Tomorrow?

I don’t know. But today, you’re not here, and that hurts!

Teta’s humming in the kitchen, as I’m writing these words. It ‘feels’ home that way. Are you feeling home? I’m sure not!

For the first time in the past six months they actually let you call me a real call. I don’t know why or how, but they did. For 24 whole minutes!

Are they starting to understand the truth of the matter? Are they getting close to admitting that your safest haven is with your mama? I don’t know...

You said that you’re starting to master swimming on your back & that you started sleeping on your own, without “night light”. You tried to convince me that you’re not scared, & that you’re doing great.

I know it’s hard, but I can’t change it.

I’m so sorry baby.

You said you’re still saving money to get me our dream big car. Baby, that means the world to me!

You said you’ll play a new half turkish song on our rides; that you’re sure I’ll like.

Baby ana <<33

You said you’re bigger, wear size 10, and your hair grew longer. MashaAllah habeebit mommy, I wish I can see that.

My eyes are dry now; not sure if you’ll know them.

You tried playing my game, and asked me if I wish to share any secrets with you. I only said that I wish to be with you.

I lied.

I didn’t tell you that Teta & I cry everyday.

Every.

Single.

Day. 

I didn’t tell you that Lulu broke down, literally broke down for you a few days ago...

I didn’t tell you that we’re moving, maybe close to a kids park.

I didn’t tell you that my heart wept at Ikea yesterday. I don’t know if we’ll go there together again, if you’ll play there & ask for ice cream. Again.

I didn’t tell you that at Payless Shoes I wanted to SCREAM and tell the world that I have a baby whom would have been wanting to check out shoes & ask me to buy ones for her with heels, & that I always manage to say ‘no; they’ll hurt your feet’... How I never let you off my sight, not even to hide behind the isles to play hide and seek.

I didn’t tell you that every time my phone rings, I freak out. It’s becoming scary.

I didn’t tell you that I have a million fears for you from your very self, let alone the rest of the world. Seen & unseen.

I didn’t tell you that I want to put my head on your chest & cry my heart out.

Baby, you always take care of me. You always tell me not to worry. You need to come back to me baby. You need to tell me it’ll be okay. Please.

Promise to let you comb my hair.

Tu’bury alby mommy......

Lallooo so so so muchy much!

Fifty One Days Later...

They let us talk again! Just. Phone. Calls. Who knows for how long...

...

184 days & nights since I last kissed you... It never got easier. Not once. I’m still here. Trying to hold on to my grace.

51 days ago they decided to not let me talk to you. Fifty one cold days and fifty one  dark nights. A severe torture. Not knowing anything about you. With nothing left in our hands to do to stop their destruction.

Only yesterday they let us talk! I don’t know why then, but surely Allah Knows how hard it has been for us. I pray it wasn’t as hard for you baby.

Sorry you had to travel by plane & go through so much wihout your Mama. Sorry ya wardet mama <3

You told me today that starting from tomorrow you’ll be going back to the house from your school bus BY YOURSELF! But you’ll call your father every time you reach home! I had a bad headache since that moment. Something happened to my brain cells. My heart can not fathom. How? Why?

So many questions I NEED to ask you, but fear holds my tongue. I fear them doing that all over again.

I’m sorry for not telling you how I feel. Not showing you how much I’m dying each moment for you. I just can’t; too scared of them turning all connections off. Over. And. Over. Again.

I’m sorry I won’t be there on your birthday. I’m sorry for not being a source of light in your precious life. I’m sorry I won’t be in your pictures.

Someday I’ll have you back, inshaAllah. I’ll explain to you. And if that doesn’t happen; it’ll surely happen up there inshaAllah.

Lallo mommy! Heart of my heart!

Remember this book? I never continued reading it for you. I never let you watch Cinderella; not knowing that you would experience her life at 6.5.. I thought watching Lion King would be too rough for you. Not knowing that you were to go through this chaos too soon.

They let you watch After Life?! May Allah Protect your little heart Pateeteyayeeee!

Did you really mean it when you said that my mac & cheese is better than the one they gave you for lunch today? Please don’t forget my love for you.

Mommy loves Nonny very muchy much!

Ugy muggy baby!

I wish I could protect you from...

Everything.. Literally everything.. But.. I.. Can’t..

I can’t protect you, nor anyone I love.. Can’t even protect myself.. I have power over nothing...

We do our best.. Try to shield ourselves.. But you never know where the arrows will be  coming from now, do you?

Protection is not something you go find at the store.. It takes a lot of things.. On top of those things; is to always know that your Lord Is The One and Only One you shall seek your protection from.. Take precautions? Definitely, but know that you are belonging to Him!

.........

......

...

Once upon a time, there was a little princess who lived in a penthouse, far-away from the noise and smoke.. Near the clouds and the birds.. She had the sea view and sky was her limit.. She stayed up there for a long time.. Protected from evil and harm...

One day, evil and harm came knocking on her door.. They were wearing happy faces and kept on their masks.. She believed them, and went along.. Thought she learned enough from gazing into the horizon and hearing only birds songs.. She thought reading her books were good enough for her to lead a life of her own..

She left her tower and went by the book.. As she walked she found their masks falling off, one after the other.. She got scared, and didn’t know how to protect herself.. She genuinely wished to be saved, but didn’t know where to go next..

She turned to Him, and ran back to her tower.. Went upstairs.. And thought she’ll forever be safe.. But she found out that she wasn’t really the same.. She had wounds that needed healing and a heart that was broken in half..

She was mad at the world and wanted to never leave her tower.. However, she was older then, and found out that she should go downstairs more often and live a ‘larger’ life.. A life that had more living than hiding..

She took steps, and went on, but this time, carefully.. She knew that protection doesn’t come from locking yourself up behind closed doors..

After being tired from all the anger that took over her; she learned that being angry would never fix her past, nor make her forget it; and give her no room to love again.. Love that she thought was the reason for weakness and vulnerability only..

...

......

.........

Loving and being vulnerable is a natural state of heart, that we shouldn’t be scared of approaching.. We shouldn’t stop loving as long as we are living.. The key here is to know where we’re directing our love..

To love is to be strong.. Choosing to love will always protect us.. Love with all our might and  to never stop caring.. Find something to love doing.. Find lovely lovable ones.. We shouldn’t waste our time on hate, because it eats the heart up..

Oh Allah, I ask You for Your Love, and the love of whoever loves You, and the love of deeds that will bring me closer to Your Love...

One day, I flew away...

I had to.. I got sick.. I got really sick.. Remember when Giddo carried me to the hospital? When I passed out in the school? Your school, that I taught in to never leave your side? Please don’t forget.. I never wanted you to see me like that, but your teacher brought you and you saw me.. I think that’s what God wanted for you to see; so that you’d never believe any lies...

I miss you so much.. So very much.. I wish I could have packed you in my suitcase.. It’s ok to take a cat, but not you! How can a mother not have her baby with her wherever she went! How can animals roam around freely, and borders separate human families just like that!

I always feel shy when sharing my experience; as there are literally millions of people suffering from worse situations.. But I do! I share it.. I write.. Can’t stop.. It’s all I could do...

I share it with everybody I know and don’t know.. A PART OF ME IS NOT ON ME! I have my ID, totally and completely incomplete!

How long will it take to get you back?

I remember leaving at dawn, my favorite time of the day.. Travelling without you.. without holding your hand in mine.. Without taking care of you every step of the way.. I don’t know how I reached here.. I swear don’t know how it happened.. I don’t know how I’m living..

He Wants me to be here without you.. The Lord of the worlds.. And I’m trying to be patient.. Trying hard..

Are you praying for us to reunite? Are you having me in your dreams? Are you the only girl motherless this Mother’s Day?

I’m so sorry.. I couldn’t have done it any better.. I did my best, always have, and He Knows; He Is my Witness..

........

Baby,

I don’t know when will you read this, if ever.. If you do, know that I was oppressed.. Know that I’m half a woman without you.. Know that the lump has never left my throat.. In fact it got worse.. Know that Teta’s eyes have become weak from crying.. Her tears never dried..

We ask Allah to protect you from evil.. To protect you from sorrow.. To protect you from growing up quicker than you’re supposed to, and from losing your childhood so fast..

I tried hard since you were a year and a couple of months old to not let you know about divorce in its typical Arab downgraded way..

And long before that I worked hard on protecting your ears and heart from the distortion.. The distortion I’ve tried hard to survive..

I love you so much baby, I don’t know if you’ll ever remember our times together.. I pray you do..

I’m not saying I’m a perfect mother, but I did and still do my best.. Even when we’re far.. Even when they don’t let us talk.. For days and nights.. For weeks and weeks! Even if they never let me see you again.. I’m doing my best..

You are the heart of my heart.. Soul of my soul.. Blood of my blood.. Apple of my eye.. “You’re my cuppycake”, remember? I used to sing you this song when you were still inside my womb.. I’m sure you’d know what a womb is if you’re reading this now.. It’s what made me your Mommy.. And now it’s broken.. Just like my heart and soul.. Like Teta’s.. Giddo’s.. Khalos’ and Auntie’s..

I’ll still sing it for you, will you hear me? Remember when you used to blow me kisses in secret and then ask me if I felt them? In the back seat in the car while I’m driving, and when you were away in school? “Did you feel something mommy?” 

I always felt you baby..

Always <<33

I hope you do!

“You're my Honeybunch, Sugarplum

Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, You're my Sweetie PieYou're my Cuppycake, GumdropSnoogums-Boogums, You're the Apple of my EyeAnd I love you so and I want you to knowThat I'll always be right hereAnd I love to sing sweet songs to youBecause you are so dear”~Cuppycake song~