I wish I could protect you from...

Everything.. Literally everything.. But.. I.. Can’t..

I can’t protect you, nor anyone I love.. Can’t even protect myself.. I have power over nothing...

We do our best.. Try to shield ourselves.. But you never know where the arrows will be  coming from now, do you?

Protection is not something you go find at the store.. It takes a lot of things.. On top of those things; is to always know that your Lord Is The One and Only One you shall seek your protection from.. Take precautions? Definitely, but know that you are belonging to Him!

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Once upon a time, there was a little princess who lived in a penthouse, far-away from the noise and smoke.. Near the clouds and the birds.. She had the sea view and sky was her limit.. She stayed up there for a long time.. Protected from evil and harm...

One day, evil and harm came knocking on her door.. They were wearing happy faces and kept on their masks.. She believed them, and went along.. Thought she learned enough from gazing into the horizon and hearing only birds songs.. She thought reading her books were good enough for her to lead a life of her own..

She left her tower and went by the book.. As she walked she found their masks falling off, one after the other.. She got scared, and didn’t know how to protect herself.. She genuinely wished to be saved, but didn’t know where to go next..

She turned to Him, and ran back to her tower.. Went upstairs.. And thought she’ll forever be safe.. But she found out that she wasn’t really the same.. She had wounds that needed healing and a heart that was broken in half..

She was mad at the world and wanted to never leave her tower.. However, she was older then, and found out that she should go downstairs more often and live a ‘larger’ life.. A life that had more living than hiding..

She took steps, and went on, but this time, carefully.. She knew that protection doesn’t come from locking yourself up behind closed doors..

After being tired from all the anger that took over her; she learned that being angry would never fix her past, nor make her forget it; and give her no room to love again.. Love that she thought was the reason for weakness and vulnerability only..

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Loving and being vulnerable is a natural state of heart, that we shouldn’t be scared of approaching.. We shouldn’t stop loving as long as we are living.. The key here is to know where we’re directing our love..

To love is to be strong.. Choosing to love will always protect us.. Love with all our might and  to never stop caring.. Find something to love doing.. Find lovely lovable ones.. We shouldn’t waste our time on hate, because it eats the heart up..

Oh Allah, I ask You for Your Love, and the love of whoever loves You, and the love of deeds that will bring me closer to Your Love...

One day, I flew away...

I had to.. I got sick.. I got really sick.. Remember when Giddo carried me to the hospital? When I passed out in the school? Your school, that I taught in to never leave your side? Please don’t forget.. I never wanted you to see me like that, but your teacher brought you and you saw me.. I think that’s what God wanted for you to see; so that you’d never believe any lies...

I miss you so much.. So very much.. I wish I could have packed you in my suitcase.. It’s ok to take a cat, but not you! How can a mother not have her baby with her wherever she went! How can animals roam around freely, and borders separate human families just like that!

I always feel shy when sharing my experience; as there are literally millions of people suffering from worse situations.. But I do! I share it.. I write.. Can’t stop.. It’s all I could do...

I share it with everybody I know and don’t know.. A PART OF ME IS NOT ON ME! I have my ID, totally and completely incomplete!

How long will it take to get you back?

I remember leaving at dawn, my favorite time of the day.. Travelling without you.. without holding your hand in mine.. Without taking care of you every step of the way.. I don’t know how I reached here.. I swear don’t know how it happened.. I don’t know how I’m living..

He Wants me to be here without you.. The Lord of the worlds.. And I’m trying to be patient.. Trying hard..

Are you praying for us to reunite? Are you having me in your dreams? Are you the only girl motherless this Mother’s Day?

I’m so sorry.. I couldn’t have done it any better.. I did my best, always have, and He Knows; He Is my Witness..

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Baby,

I don’t know when will you read this, if ever.. If you do, know that I was oppressed.. Know that I’m half a woman without you.. Know that the lump has never left my throat.. In fact it got worse.. Know that Teta’s eyes have become weak from crying.. Her tears never dried..

We ask Allah to protect you from evil.. To protect you from sorrow.. To protect you from growing up quicker than you’re supposed to, and from losing your childhood so fast..

I tried hard since you were a year and a couple of months old to not let you know about divorce in its typical Arab downgraded way..

And long before that I worked hard on protecting your ears and heart from the distortion.. The distortion I’ve tried hard to survive..

I love you so much baby, I don’t know if you’ll ever remember our times together.. I pray you do..

I’m not saying I’m a perfect mother, but I did and still do my best.. Even when we’re far.. Even when they don’t let us talk.. For days and nights.. For weeks and weeks! Even if they never let me see you again.. I’m doing my best..

You are the heart of my heart.. Soul of my soul.. Blood of my blood.. Apple of my eye.. “You’re my cuppycake”, remember? I used to sing you this song when you were still inside my womb.. I’m sure you’d know what a womb is if you’re reading this now.. It’s what made me your Mommy.. And now it’s broken.. Just like my heart and soul.. Like Teta’s.. Giddo’s.. Khalos’ and Auntie’s..

I’ll still sing it for you, will you hear me? Remember when you used to blow me kisses in secret and then ask me if I felt them? In the back seat in the car while I’m driving, and when you were away in school? “Did you feel something mommy?” 

I always felt you baby..

Always <<33

I hope you do!

“You're my Honeybunch, Sugarplum

Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, You're my Sweetie PieYou're my Cuppycake, GumdropSnoogums-Boogums, You're the Apple of my EyeAnd I love you so and I want you to knowThat I'll always be right hereAnd I love to sing sweet songs to youBecause you are so dear”~Cuppycake song~

Nussandro :)

Can you believe it’s been around 18 years now? I can’t!

I remember the first time we met, in that after school Qur’an class.. Your Arabic was so cute, loved it! Loved your smile right away, and your hijab; was always neat and loose.. I could have never guessed you’re Italian! And I could have never guessed we’d get this close and live out those years together!

Remember the girls parties we used to have? You were the first to introduce me to Chinese cuisine, and that fried banana ice cream, mmm.. Pizzas at your place and your Dad’s pasta! Baskin Robins... :)

Your high school graduation party was awesome, I was so proud of you that day! Remember how Asma and I screamed out your name when you came out? I was so sad when you had to travel right after high school!

Remember your school trip to India and building those homes, I felt like I was there with you.. Our connection was beautiful and had no limits.. It was strong before we even knew it..

Thing is, a strong friendship is one that no worldly factors can break.. Is genuine and has no room left for doubts.. You were always there for me.. Through rough times.. In sorrow before happiness.. You were always there..

I will never forget the times you slept over when I needed it.. How you took me and my baby to the hospital and supported me through those tough nights; and how that whenever I needed you:

YOU

WERE

THERE

AND

STILL

ARE

!

A true friend is one you’d think of, and ask to do anything for you without even thinking of how to ask them.. One who will do whatever it takes to make sure you’re okay from inside out.. One who doesn’t care if you don’t keep in touch or doubts your love when distances come in your way.. One who knows you from only looking at you without even talking..

Nussa, I love you sis, and wish I was there near you in the beginning of your married life.. Thank you for being there.. My trust, love and respect for you has no end!

You’ve seen me in my highs and lows, I wonder what you think of me :$ Like how you see me...

I don’t see true friendships around anymore! Everybody is texting everybody and hardly really talk.. They do only when they feel like it, at specific times! Restrictions are suffocating everybody and every connection now! Silly restrictions really.. The more they have the tools to reach out, the less they do..

I know we’re considered to be the older folks now :( but you know what? We are lucky! Not having whatsapp and bbm back in the day got us together.. You see, people now rarely really get together.. Hardly ever present!

No one could ever take your place.. I can always spill my beans and not worry about a thing.. Nussa, I love you, and I’m so lucky to have you.. Please forgive me for my shortcomings and know that I’m so proud to say that you are forever my bestest friend :)

And since it’s March, happy birthday Nussandro <3

I remember him...

I remember getting excited for joining this place, everyone seemed so professional and a lot of people I knew would’ve loved to work there..

I met a lot of people, and never thought that looks would be so deluding.. I thought women with proper hijab would always be upright & those who wear inappropriate clothes wouldn’t be all that..

I was wrong.. Besides, these were my first encounters in the ‘real world’..

This is the story of so many women out there... A story of a colleague, who became a friend.. Who made me wonder about right and wrong and if there’s an ‘in between’...

First time I met her, she had a lot of make up on.. A LOT! At first I didn’t know why, but eventually I did! She’d sometimes spend the whole day in office with her sunglasses on; said her eyes were  too sensitive.. Any guesses?

That’s right, she was abused.. By her husband.. I was young, and this was my first real life encounter with evil.. I didn’t understand.. Three kids, says he loves her, and she loves him and that he’ll change! ‘This will pass’ she always said.. She always thought.. She always hoped..

She’d cover up her bruises in all sorts of ways.. Cry in the washroom all the time.. I thought I’d never see this stuff in real life, but I did.. I couldn’t stand it.. I never did and never could understand it..

Humiliate yourself and let your three kids grow up seeing you get beaten up almost everyday; because maybe someday it’ll get better? Because he’s rich and pays for their ‘great schools’? Because you love him? And he loves you?

What kind of love is that? He sees other women, but says he marries them? Doesn’t do haram? Goes to umrah every couple of months?

I never understood! Really!

Years passed, distances came in between us and we talked every now and then.. Everytime we talked she’d tell me he’s not changing, but that he will.. That she believes deep down he loves her and will come back to his ‘senses’ someday.. And that gave her comfort..

Police was involved.. a couple of times.. Divorce too.. A couple of times.. And she stayed.. For the ‘sake of the kids’ she said..

I tried convincing her to leave.. I had her sleep over at our place.. She’d always run back to him.. She told me that a scholar told her to stay and try! 

Years passed.. And about a year ago, she texted me: “I left him!”.. After her kids went to college.. After them seeing it all.. Living it all.. After wasting so many years.. So many tears.. So many fears..

She barely had a chance to have a life.. Or grant her kids the life they needed..

Was she abused? Or did she let her self get abused? I’m not saying it’s easy to leave.. But.. You gotta do what you gotta do.. Don’t let your life slip away from you.. Don’t let the walls be your limit.. Don’t leave the windows closed and the pain eat your soul up.. Don’t live dead.. It’s only one life that we get over here..

...

He was scary, crazy, and I don’t like remembering him..

May God Help hear heal.. May He Help them all heal... amen!

I have never told you this, but...

It was for your own good.. And mine.. Or so I thought.. So please forgive me...

I chose to stay back.. Can’t take risks.. Can’t do it anymore.. I’ve been hurt.. Really hurt.. You only get one heart.. and mine has had enough..

It’s a long story.. But not so different; so common nowadays.. However, what makes it different is the way each one of us tackles their situation.. How strong or weak they get.. How thick or thin their skin is.. Mine was super thin; it easily became friends with eczema ;)

I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that since last May I have become physically very weak.. Emotionally very drained.. I could no longer do simple tasks.. Let alone get married again!

Getting married is a huge project, but it’s never two hearts becoming one and bla bla bla.. Because two can never be one, let’s not fool ourselves..

It takes a lot of compromise, respect, understanding, acceptance & honesty.. And love on top.. And when any lack, it’d hardly live..

...

I didn’t tell you that any girl would die to have a man like you.. I didn’t tell you that deep down I felt a little happy.. I didn’t tell you that it was a very heroic proposal.. I didn’t tell you that a part of me wanted to say yes.. A very small part.. A part that got burried deep deep down..

Having a man to lean on is every woman’s instinctive dream.. One who loves, leads & takes her higher.. Brings out the best in her.. Contains her weaknesses & adds comfort..

For me to have this man, I need to be the wind beneath his wings.. And I can’t.. I can’t be anything to anyone..

I never told you how sorry I am for making you sad.. But I was scared that by telling you sorry,  you’d think that there’d be a way for us together..

You deserve better.. Someone with no tears.. Someone with no fears.. Someone happier.. Someone who’s not me..

And when you do, find ‘the one’, please take care of her.. Her feelings.. Be her pride.. Please contain her, isn’t she “created from a rib; and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, it will remain crooked”? Our Prophet peace and blessings be upon him commanded you to take care of her in a good manner.. So Please do... :)

I never told you that it was nice meeting you.. You’re a real gentleman.. May God grant you your longed for sakeena :)

As for me, I’d rather stay in the shade.. Away from all feelings.. I wish I could feel less, see less, know less.. I can’t hear noises.. No not today.. 

No sunlight nor moonlight,

I’m so broken from this fight,

My heart can’t taste delight,

With my baby out of sight..

Yesterday & today are sad,

Maybe tomorrow after I’ve had,

My share of seeing evil & bad,

I’d be happy & again restart..

Dear Grandchildren,

Assalamu alaikum dearest,

Before I begin, can you guess what’s in this picture? I’m sorry, I don’t have money nor property to pass on to you.. I wish I did.. No treasures other than my Islam!

Yes! It’s what I’ve always been proud of and did my best to live by.. I lived in many lands and saw many different faces.. East and west.. What I chose to define me wherever I went was my Islam.. Not belonging to a certain land, language or tribe made it for me..

I never felt like I belonged to the time I’m living in, I’ve also been told so on many different occasions.. It never made me feel bad, on the contrary, I felt special..

I tried gathering all my strength and giving your Mom the best of me.. In those six years and a half, and before that, I tried hard to work on myself, long before having her.. Your Mommy was a beautiful dream, that did come true, thank God!

I have some of her stuff: first clothes she wore, shoes, dresses, my favorite onesies and much more.. Some of her stuff were taken by force and were never given back to me..

Your Mom is so special, even when she was only three months old in my tummy, the Doctor said that she’ll be super tall.. I hope you like those genes..

She is special in so many ways.. She is sensitive and responsible.. Kind and gentle.. Caring and polite.. MashaAllah smart all the way..

I taught her not to put headsets on and ignore people around her.. I never did, even when I felt like it.. I taught her that she can’t disrespect anyone.. I taught her to stay away from evil and that it’s ok to make mistakes, but not ok to repeat them..

The picture? Well it’s her nail cutter, guessed it? I bought it when she was inside of me.. Cleanliness is very important to us, I also baught her small tub while I was pregnant.. And her nail cutter has always been with me ever since ;) My grandchildren should be super clean all the way, okay?

Carrying her inside of me was so fun.. It was an easy pregnancy as well as her delivery.. It went very smooth, I enjoyed it so much, Alhamdulillah..

Promise to keep her, me and my parents & whole family in your prayers, deal? We need your prayers..

Hold on to your Islam, I’m sure it’s hard, the Prophet peace be upon him said it’ll be hard, but promised jannah if we try hard.. 

I don’t know how much more time I have left, but as long as I lived, I loved.. All the way.. I always felt for others, and tried to give excuses.. Mistakes? I had my share, but worked hard on fixing them.. Paid high prices..

I love you even if I never meet you..

Make me proud!

Lots of love,

Teta sara ;)

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I’m not sure if I’ll have any grandchildren, and if I’ll ever be blessed of the presence of my dearest daughter in this life again, after being apart for 150 days and nights... If I ever do, this is my letter to you... :)

I wish I could tell you...

So many things Mom.. Things I never liked.. Things that bothered me.. Things that hurt me.. Things that if I said; would break you down..

I wish I could tell you that I didn’t like taking those daily showers; every single day Mom! I wish I could tell you that sometimes you clipped one of my nails deeper than you were supposed to, and that it hurt, a lot!

I wish I could tell you that I hate sleeping early.. And that one or two bedtime stories were never enough.. I wish I had afternoon naps instead of not having any..

I wish I wasn’t forced to eat more than I wanted.. I wish I had noodles everyday, the unhealthy ones.. Wish I went out more than staying at home, and had you swim with me in a girls pool..

I wish I walked barefoot and let my hair loose, and watched uneducational videos.. I wish ate and messed up my face and clothes, and painted and didn’t worry about stains..

I wish I could have told you not to leave, and that I don’t care if you fainted again, but at least be with me.. Wish I told you that I didn’t want to go with him, and that he scares me and that he is not fun..

I wish I could tell you that I do cry and that I can’t stand hearing your voice because it makes my heart weep for you.. That I don’t want to talk to you, I simply want and need to be with you..

Remember how I told you at the end of every call “don’t cry Mom, call you tomorrow..”? It was to remind me too that if I cry, he won’t let us talk.. He’ll yell at me and say mean things about you..

I wish I could tell you that this stranger is expecting me to love her like you, and that grandma tells me that you don’t love me..

I wish I could tell you that they hate you and wish for me to hate you too..

I wish I could tell you that you driving me to school is way better than the bus, and that it hurt when you combed my hair, but not as much as it does when they do now..

I wish I could tell you that I was proud of you when you were teaching in my school and before it, the school next to mine.. I didn’t know what pride is and how to say it..

I wish I could tell you that I felt so safe, but I didn’t know what safety is until I felt unsafe..

I wish I could tell you that I feel unsafe and that I feel broken when I see other kids get picked up by their moms, and mine is on the other side of the globe..

I wish I could tell you that I feel that I’m turning fifteen in May and not only seven.. I wish I could tell you that I hate you and make you forget about me and I forget you too..

...

But I never did, and never will, because I love you Mama.. I love you more than you can imagine and I’m sorry.. I’m sorry for me and for you..