A web of love...

Mr Rogers said they’ll install the internet after a couple of days. Oh, didn’t I tell you? We’re moving, AGAIN! Maybe for the hundredth time in my life. A new corner, new air, new water stream..

We need to detox, don’t we? Maybe try new routines. New sights. But never a new Dooby; we’ll surely miss you kitty; may you stay safe :(

I always believed a home should always have elderly, children, & cats. Or at least that’s how our home was always like. However; life happened.

*sighs*

TV has always been important in our home. Maybe ‘cuz it can magically take us back in time. See beautiful things that stopped existing. Or listen to some words that strengthen our faith.

Faith. Know something, faith is literally everything. Brings forth courtesy & patience. Faith is what grants us serenity & tranquility.

I’ll feel better when:

I do my homework.

Ice skate.

Graduate.

Play.

Get that job.

Buy this & that.

Leave that job.

Get married.

Have my baby.

Go for Hajj.

Get divorced.

Get healthier.

Lose this pain.

Kill those cancerous cells.

And so much more.

However, it will never work when you hang your joy on certain conditions. It’s all about faith. Faith.

Now don’t ask me how to have it please, I’m sure you know better than I do.

Love,

My Eyes...

Your eyes,

My eyes,

No lies,

No cries,

Your love,

Hatred defies 🌸

For the first time, in months of different moons & sun, they let me see you online; ‘cuz He for me to see you Has Willed!

الحمد لله حمداً كثيراً طيباً مباركاًفيه

I don’t want to be dramatic and sad, but what can I do.

I saw how scared you were. Your eyes were watching out throughout our call, & were not free. Our words were monitored, & so were our tears, cries & fears.

I saw your sadness & felt your sorrow. I know it’s hard. Your teeth were pulled out today. You are older. Hopefully stronger. You’re definitely a survivor.

I’m sorry you had to grow up faster than you should have. Sorry you had to make your own breakfast before hitting seven. Sorry you sleep in the dark!

Today you are new.

Days before turning seven.

Today you are lost.

A victim to an unconvicted felon.

If Allah Wills, He’ll bring you back to me.

In a heartbeat, he can let me your eyes see.

Eyes of my eyes, blood of my blood,

I’m never whole without you, my pains can run a flood.

Tomorrow?

I don’t know. But today, you’re not here, and that hurts!

Teta’s humming in the kitchen, as I’m writing these words. It ‘feels’ home that way. Are you feeling home? I’m sure not!

For the first time in the past six months they actually let you call me a real call. I don’t know why or how, but they did. For 24 whole minutes!

Are they starting to understand the truth of the matter? Are they getting close to admitting that your safest haven is with your mama? I don’t know...

You said that you’re starting to master swimming on your back & that you started sleeping on your own, without “night light”. You tried to convince me that you’re not scared, & that you’re doing great.

I know it’s hard, but I can’t change it.

I’m so sorry baby.

You said you’re still saving money to get me our dream big car. Baby, that means the world to me!

You said you’ll play a new half turkish song on our rides; that you’re sure I’ll like.

Baby ana <<33

You said you’re bigger, wear size 10, and your hair grew longer. MashaAllah habeebit mommy, I wish I can see that.

My eyes are dry now; not sure if you’ll know them.

You tried playing my game, and asked me if I wish to share any secrets with you. I only said that I wish to be with you.

I lied.

I didn’t tell you that Teta & I cry everyday.

Every.

Single.

Day. 

I didn’t tell you that Lulu broke down, literally broke down for you a few days ago...

I didn’t tell you that we’re moving, maybe close to a kids park.

I didn’t tell you that my heart wept at Ikea yesterday. I don’t know if we’ll go there together again, if you’ll play there & ask for ice cream. Again.

I didn’t tell you that at Payless Shoes I wanted to SCREAM and tell the world that I have a baby whom would have been wanting to check out shoes & ask me to buy ones for her with heels, & that I always manage to say ‘no; they’ll hurt your feet’... How I never let you off my sight, not even to hide behind the isles to play hide and seek.

I didn’t tell you that every time my phone rings, I freak out. It’s becoming scary.

I didn’t tell you that I have a million fears for you from your very self, let alone the rest of the world. Seen & unseen.

I didn’t tell you that I want to put my head on your chest & cry my heart out.

Baby, you always take care of me. You always tell me not to worry. You need to come back to me baby. You need to tell me it’ll be okay. Please.

Promise to let you comb my hair.

Tu’bury alby mommy......

Lallooo so so so muchy much!

Fifty One Days Later...

They let us talk again! Just. Phone. Calls. Who knows for how long...

...

184 days & nights since I last kissed you... It never got easier. Not once. I’m still here. Trying to hold on to my grace.

51 days ago they decided to not let me talk to you. Fifty one cold days and fifty one  dark nights. A severe torture. Not knowing anything about you. With nothing left in our hands to do to stop their destruction.

Only yesterday they let us talk! I don’t know why then, but surely Allah Knows how hard it has been for us. I pray it wasn’t as hard for you baby.

Sorry you had to travel by plane & go through so much wihout your Mama. Sorry ya wardet mama <3

You told me today that starting from tomorrow you’ll be going back to the house from your school bus BY YOURSELF! But you’ll call your father every time you reach home! I had a bad headache since that moment. Something happened to my brain cells. My heart can not fathom. How? Why?

So many questions I NEED to ask you, but fear holds my tongue. I fear them doing that all over again.

I’m sorry for not telling you how I feel. Not showing you how much I’m dying each moment for you. I just can’t; too scared of them turning all connections off. Over. And. Over. Again.

I’m sorry I won’t be there on your birthday. I’m sorry for not being a source of light in your precious life. I’m sorry I won’t be in your pictures.

Someday I’ll have you back, inshaAllah. I’ll explain to you. And if that doesn’t happen; it’ll surely happen up there inshaAllah.

Lallo mommy! Heart of my heart!

Remember this book? I never continued reading it for you. I never let you watch Cinderella; not knowing that you would experience her life at 6.5.. I thought watching Lion King would be too rough for you. Not knowing that you were to go through this chaos too soon.

They let you watch After Life?! May Allah Protect your little heart Pateeteyayeeee!

Did you really mean it when you said that my mac & cheese is better than the one they gave you for lunch today? Please don’t forget my love for you.

Mommy loves Nonny very muchy much!

Ugy muggy baby!

I wish I could protect you from...

Everything.. Literally everything.. But.. I.. Can’t..

I can’t protect you, nor anyone I love.. Can’t even protect myself.. I have power over nothing...

We do our best.. Try to shield ourselves.. But you never know where the arrows will be  coming from now, do you?

Protection is not something you go find at the store.. It takes a lot of things.. On top of those things; is to always know that your Lord Is The One and Only One you shall seek your protection from.. Take precautions? Definitely, but know that you are belonging to Him!

.........

......

...

Once upon a time, there was a little princess who lived in a penthouse, far-away from the noise and smoke.. Near the clouds and the birds.. She had the sea view and sky was her limit.. She stayed up there for a long time.. Protected from evil and harm...

One day, evil and harm came knocking on her door.. They were wearing happy faces and kept on their masks.. She believed them, and went along.. Thought she learned enough from gazing into the horizon and hearing only birds songs.. She thought reading her books were good enough for her to lead a life of her own..

She left her tower and went by the book.. As she walked she found their masks falling off, one after the other.. She got scared, and didn’t know how to protect herself.. She genuinely wished to be saved, but didn’t know where to go next..

She turned to Him, and ran back to her tower.. Went upstairs.. And thought she’ll forever be safe.. But she found out that she wasn’t really the same.. She had wounds that needed healing and a heart that was broken in half..

She was mad at the world and wanted to never leave her tower.. However, she was older then, and found out that she should go downstairs more often and live a ‘larger’ life.. A life that had more living than hiding..

She took steps, and went on, but this time, carefully.. She knew that protection doesn’t come from locking yourself up behind closed doors..

After being tired from all the anger that took over her; she learned that being angry would never fix her past, nor make her forget it; and give her no room to love again.. Love that she thought was the reason for weakness and vulnerability only..

...

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Loving and being vulnerable is a natural state of heart, that we shouldn’t be scared of approaching.. We shouldn’t stop loving as long as we are living.. The key here is to know where we’re directing our love..

To love is to be strong.. Choosing to love will always protect us.. Love with all our might and  to never stop caring.. Find something to love doing.. Find lovely lovable ones.. We shouldn’t waste our time on hate, because it eats the heart up..

Oh Allah, I ask You for Your Love, and the love of whoever loves You, and the love of deeds that will bring me closer to Your Love...

One day, I flew away...

I had to.. I got sick.. I got really sick.. Remember when Giddo carried me to the hospital? When I passed out in the school? Your school, that I taught in to never leave your side? Please don’t forget.. I never wanted you to see me like that, but your teacher brought you and you saw me.. I think that’s what God wanted for you to see; so that you’d never believe any lies...

I miss you so much.. So very much.. I wish I could have packed you in my suitcase.. It’s ok to take a cat, but not you! How can a mother not have her baby with her wherever she went! How can animals roam around freely, and borders separate human families just like that!

I always feel shy when sharing my experience; as there are literally millions of people suffering from worse situations.. But I do! I share it.. I write.. Can’t stop.. It’s all I could do...

I share it with everybody I know and don’t know.. A PART OF ME IS NOT ON ME! I have my ID, totally and completely incomplete!

How long will it take to get you back?

I remember leaving at dawn, my favorite time of the day.. Travelling without you.. without holding your hand in mine.. Without taking care of you every step of the way.. I don’t know how I reached here.. I swear don’t know how it happened.. I don’t know how I’m living..

He Wants me to be here without you.. The Lord of the worlds.. And I’m trying to be patient.. Trying hard..

Are you praying for us to reunite? Are you having me in your dreams? Are you the only girl motherless this Mother’s Day?

I’m so sorry.. I couldn’t have done it any better.. I did my best, always have, and He Knows; He Is my Witness..

........

Baby,

I don’t know when will you read this, if ever.. If you do, know that I was oppressed.. Know that I’m half a woman without you.. Know that the lump has never left my throat.. In fact it got worse.. Know that Teta’s eyes have become weak from crying.. Her tears never dried..

We ask Allah to protect you from evil.. To protect you from sorrow.. To protect you from growing up quicker than you’re supposed to, and from losing your childhood so fast..

I tried hard since you were a year and a couple of months old to not let you know about divorce in its typical Arab downgraded way..

And long before that I worked hard on protecting your ears and heart from the distortion.. The distortion I’ve tried hard to survive..

I love you so much baby, I don’t know if you’ll ever remember our times together.. I pray you do..

I’m not saying I’m a perfect mother, but I did and still do my best.. Even when we’re far.. Even when they don’t let us talk.. For days and nights.. For weeks and weeks! Even if they never let me see you again.. I’m doing my best..

You are the heart of my heart.. Soul of my soul.. Blood of my blood.. Apple of my eye.. “You’re my cuppycake”, remember? I used to sing you this song when you were still inside my womb.. I’m sure you’d know what a womb is if you’re reading this now.. It’s what made me your Mommy.. And now it’s broken.. Just like my heart and soul.. Like Teta’s.. Giddo’s.. Khalos’ and Auntie’s..

I’ll still sing it for you, will you hear me? Remember when you used to blow me kisses in secret and then ask me if I felt them? In the back seat in the car while I’m driving, and when you were away in school? “Did you feel something mommy?” 

I always felt you baby..

Always <<33

I hope you do!

“You're my Honeybunch, Sugarplum

Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, You're my Sweetie PieYou're my Cuppycake, GumdropSnoogums-Boogums, You're the Apple of my EyeAnd I love you so and I want you to knowThat I'll always be right hereAnd I love to sing sweet songs to youBecause you are so dear”~Cuppycake song~

Nussandro :)

Can you believe it’s been around 18 years now? I can’t!

I remember the first time we met, in that after school Qur’an class.. Your Arabic was so cute, loved it! Loved your smile right away, and your hijab; was always neat and loose.. I could have never guessed you’re Italian! And I could have never guessed we’d get this close and live out those years together!

Remember the girls parties we used to have? You were the first to introduce me to Chinese cuisine, and that fried banana ice cream, mmm.. Pizzas at your place and your Dad’s pasta! Baskin Robins... :)

Your high school graduation party was awesome, I was so proud of you that day! Remember how Asma and I screamed out your name when you came out? I was so sad when you had to travel right after high school!

Remember your school trip to India and building those homes, I felt like I was there with you.. Our connection was beautiful and had no limits.. It was strong before we even knew it..

Thing is, a strong friendship is one that no worldly factors can break.. Is genuine and has no room left for doubts.. You were always there for me.. Through rough times.. In sorrow before happiness.. You were always there..

I will never forget the times you slept over when I needed it.. How you took me and my baby to the hospital and supported me through those tough nights; and how that whenever I needed you:

YOU

WERE

THERE

AND

STILL

ARE

!

A true friend is one you’d think of, and ask to do anything for you without even thinking of how to ask them.. One who will do whatever it takes to make sure you’re okay from inside out.. One who doesn’t care if you don’t keep in touch or doubts your love when distances come in your way.. One who knows you from only looking at you without even talking..

Nussa, I love you sis, and wish I was there near you in the beginning of your married life.. Thank you for being there.. My trust, love and respect for you has no end!

You’ve seen me in my highs and lows, I wonder what you think of me :$ Like how you see me...

I don’t see true friendships around anymore! Everybody is texting everybody and hardly really talk.. They do only when they feel like it, at specific times! Restrictions are suffocating everybody and every connection now! Silly restrictions really.. The more they have the tools to reach out, the less they do..

I know we’re considered to be the older folks now :( but you know what? We are lucky! Not having whatsapp and bbm back in the day got us together.. You see, people now rarely really get together.. Hardly ever present!

No one could ever take your place.. I can always spill my beans and not worry about a thing.. Nussa, I love you, and I’m so lucky to have you.. Please forgive me for my shortcomings and know that I’m so proud to say that you are forever my bestest friend :)

And since it’s March, happy birthday Nussandro <3