I wish I could tell you...

So many things Mom.. Things I never liked.. Things that bothered me.. Things that hurt me.. Things that if I said; would break you down..

I wish I could tell you that I didn’t like taking those daily showers; every single day Mom! I wish I could tell you that sometimes you clipped one of my nails deeper than you were supposed to, and that it hurt, a lot!

I wish I could tell you that I hate sleeping early.. And that one or two bedtime stories were never enough.. I wish I had afternoon naps instead of not having any..

I wish I wasn’t forced to eat more than I wanted.. I wish I had noodles everyday, the unhealthy ones.. Wish I went out more than staying at home, and had you swim with me in a girls pool..

I wish I walked barefoot and let my hair loose, and watched uneducational videos.. I wish ate and messed up my face and clothes, and painted and didn’t worry about stains..

I wish I could have told you not to leave, and that I don’t care if you fainted again, but at least be with me.. Wish I told you that I didn’t want to go with him, and that he scares me and that he is not fun..

I wish I could tell you that I do cry and that I can’t stand hearing your voice because it makes my heart weep for you.. That I don’t want to talk to you, I simply want and need to be with you..

Remember how I told you at the end of every call “don’t cry Mom, call you tomorrow..”? It was to remind me too that if I cry, he won’t let us talk.. He’ll yell at me and say mean things about you..

I wish I could tell you that this stranger is expecting me to love her like you, and that grandma tells me that you don’t love me..

I wish I could tell you that they hate you and wish for me to hate you too..

I wish I could tell you that you driving me to school is way better than the bus, and that it hurt when you combed my hair, but not as much as it does when they do now..

I wish I could tell you that I was proud of you when you were teaching in my school and before it, the school next to mine.. I didn’t know what pride is and how to say it..

I wish I could tell you that I felt so safe, but I didn’t know what safety is until I felt unsafe..

I wish I could tell you that I feel unsafe and that I feel broken when I see other kids get picked up by their moms, and mine is on the other side of the globe..

I wish I could tell you that I feel that I’m turning fifteen in May and not only seven.. I wish I could tell you that I hate you and make you forget about me and I forget you too..

...

But I never did, and never will, because I love you Mama.. I love you more than you can imagine and I’m sorry.. I’m sorry for me and for you..