If I were a fox...

For a night, what would I do? Well well well...

To start with: I’d be so happy to be anything other than me; simply because then and only then I would be allowed to lay eyes on you baby...

Your teachers, classmates and birds are seeing you everyday, and I can’t.. A stranger you never met is taking my place in your life now.. Taking my place! Taking my place! While I’m alive!

...

I’d wake up all the birds and promise not to eat them and tell them my story..

I’d tell them how it all began and how I reached here.. How I reached nowhere!

I’m sure birds will listen, and won’t choose to sleep; knowing a mother is deprived of her own child!

And since foxes don’t usually move in packs, but only with their small families; I’ll choose to start my journey alone; as I’ve caused enough pain to them all :(

I’ll let the birds see for me which is the fastest way to reach you.. Despite the fact that I don’t know your exact address; birds will take me to you.. They’ll tweet their way...

My question is: As soon as I reach, and when you see me, will you know it’s me? Princess Merida knew her mom, remember? Remember baby? I didn’t want you to watch that movie, or watch anything that’d make you sad for even one second.. I never wanted you to hear or see anything harsh.. Never did I let you see people smoking or even let Giddo watch news in your presence..

I tried hard to protect you from everything, and now I don’t know anything about you! Six years and a half Allah blessed me with your lovely presence in my life, and for a reason you’re not with me now..

You’re not with me physically, but who told you you’re not in my life? Because you don’t answer my calls? No, that doesn’t mean you’re not in my life.. You’re in it from the moment I open my eyes, to the moment I close them.. Even in my nightmares and dreams.. Everywhere..

Not only in the pictures on our fridge, or my phone or locket near my heart.. You are in the lump in my throat & the beat of my heart and the tightness in my lungs..

You’re the pain in Teta’s eyes, and the extra wrinkle on her face.. You’re what everyone asks me when they see me, they don’t ask me how I’m doing, they ask me how you’re doing; because they know that you’re me..

You are me baby... You are me... No matter what they do.. How far you get.. Allah sent you milk through me.. He chose me to give birth to you.. No one can change that..

I’m glad Na’ima asked me what I’d do if I were a fox, because this seems to be the only way for me to see you tonight.. 

However, I can’t be a fox for a night, not even for a moment.. So I’ll sit here and think and sing “what does the fox say...”...